I managed to do the injections myself, but under protest. I was not very happy about Kurtis wanting me to learn to do it myself when I didn’t feel ready to. I may have slammed the door and sulked in the dark for about 10 minutes. I was really mad and I felt like he didn’t care. I tried telling him I’ve been to so many appointments, surgeries, been poked and prodded and I wanted a little bit of time where I didn’t have to do everything myself. I wanted his help. He said he wanted to make sure I knew how to do it because I have to go out of state on my own and I needed to know how to do it.
But damn it I didn’t want to do it unless I absolutely had to. I’m still kind of pissy about it. In a way it’s a good thing I was forced into doing it earlier, but I really wanted to do it in my own time and under my terms. But just like this entire infertility experience over these past two years, absolutely nothing is under my control. Ugh, I am still mad. I suppose I channeled my anger and adrenaline into doing the shot and didn’t have time to overanalyze the situation. I am happy I was able to do it on my own though.
“It’s the weirdest combination of emotions to be happy and pissed off at the same time. My words came out bitchy, but my face was smiling. My husband was probably really confused by the whole thing.”
He had walked into the bedroom after I did the first shot and I was preparing for the second one. The only thing that somewhat threw me off doing the shot on my own was when my husband opened the door and my 30-pound puppy came ripping into the room, headed in my direction. Luckily my husband was able to get him away and put him in his kennel.
“Go away. I’m still mad at you.” I said.
“I wanted to make sure you were able to do it on your own” he said.
“I already did the first one. Thanks for nothing.” I said smiling and snarky.
So my words were totally bitchy, I know, I know. I usually never talk to him that way. But I said this while also smiling because I was happy I did my own shots for the first time. I don’t know why this was such a mental hurdle for me when other people can do it easily. But yeah, I was pretty damn happy. It’s the weirdest combination of emotions to be happy and pissed off at the same time. My words came out bitchy, but my face was smiling. My husband was probably really confused by the whole thing.
When I put the needle in it seemed easier for me to go in slowly, the idea of putting it in quickly kind of freaked me out. So a little at a time seemed to work better for me to start off. The needles are thin enough to where it doesn’t seem to hurt much. I’m resting with the heating pad on now and listening to some Pandora radio while I write this. I think I owe him an apology.
Ice cream sounds good! That came out of nowhere. Some delicious chocolate ice cream. Mmmm. Either this is an IVF medication craving or I’m just a fat kid who wants ice cream, I’m hoping it’s the former.
Throughout my life I’ve had a recurring image come to mind, a metaphor of sorts. I am brought back to the time when I was kid and learning to jump off the diving board. Except, I didn’t jump when I was first learning. I would painstakingly inch my way to the end of the diving board. I was certain water ghosts lived in this deep end of the pool and if I fully jumped in they would surely grab my ankles and pull me away into their world. But after being encouraged over and over and over again by my instructor, other kids, and even people on the bleachers, I finally managed to drop into the water. I didn’t jump, I dropped. Remember, I had to stay away from the water ghosts who were deeper below, so I had to stay closer to the surface.
“But once I jump in and I am fully submerged, suspended with bubbles floating up around me, there is such an enormous amount of peace that comes with going all in.”
But as time went on I was jumping off the high dive and enjoying it. I was just like everyone else. The water ghosts may have still been lurking down below but I didn’t see them, so I kept them out of my mind. Everyone seemed to be having so much fun, they weren’t worried about any water ghosts, and I stopped worrying too.
So the image that comes to mind whenever I am starting something new or challenging in my life is to picture myself on that diving board. Sometimes I need a little encouragement from others to get me into the water. But once I jump in and I am fully submerged, suspended with bubbles floating up around me, there is such an enormous amount of peace that comes with going all in. I had that image come to mind again today. Right now, I am that kid fully submerged in the water, and at peace knowing I am doing everything I can with this IVF journey. I can’t help but smile the biggest smile as I start to float up. There is a joy in doing the things that scare you.
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