One Step at a Time / Suppression Check: Take Three


So many appointments lately.


Yep, hopefully third time will be a charm with these damn suppression checks. I finished my second one on Wednesday and scheduled my third one for this next Wednesday.


The cyst persists,

Please cease and desist,

I just couldn’t resist.


I’ve already cried, all I can do now is just laugh at the whole thing, hence my stupid poem above. This cyst has me paying for flight change fees, rearranging hotel reservations, and needing to take more leave time from work. There’s probably no definitive way to know if the antibiotics interfered with the birth control pills, which in turn could have influenced the hormones, ultimately affecting my ovaries. But I have a sneaking suspicion that had I not got this staph infection and needed antibiotics, I would not be rearranging my entire fertility timeline, every…single…week.


So rather than crying in a ball in a dark room, like I am normally inclined to do (kidding, kind of), I am in full force Distraction Mode. I’m trying to do anything and everything to distract myself from thinking about it. When my infection was full blown I was reclined on the couch, binge watching Lena Dunham’s “Girls” and laughing my ass off. Now that I’m on the mend I was able to go for a walk today with my husband and our puppy. I played Mario Kart on the new Wii-U my husband just bought me. I love me some Mario Kart! And I tried the “Just Dance” game, it was so much fun. When I was a teenager I was insanely into DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), I looked cracked out my mind while I furiously stomped on the dance pad like my life depended on it. Think Jennifer Beals from “Flash Dance” when she’s practically creating a fire underneath her feet from how fast she dances to the song “Maniac.” That’s pretty much what I looked like, but instead add 50 pounds and much paler skin. Those were the days. It was nice to get back into a dancing game. I’m terrible at it, but hey it’s fun and it’s keeping my mind occupied.


“The mantra, “One step at a time, one appointment at a time” helped me to cope way better than I imagined I would.”


I used to get really annoyed when people suggested I needed to distract myself from my crappy feelings. I would say, “But you can only distract yourself for so long” or “distractions are like band-aids, the wound is still there underneath.” But I’m learning now the more I focus on things other than my fertility, I start to feel happier. I’ve managed to live 31 years of my life childless, I can endure a few more months (hopefully months and not years).


I confirmed with my doctor via phone at the sonogram office that my body is not quite ready for IVF. I managed to hold it together as I left, didn’t even tear up this time. “What do I have control over in all of this?” I asked myself. I thought about it as I got into my car and started down the road. I began thinking of the mantra, “One day at a time,” it’s a nice sentiment, but in that moment it’s too vague for my taste. I needed something more specific to inspire me. As I drove on I told myself, “one step at a time, one appointment at a time.” Voila! For me, telling myself this over and over again the whole drive home comforted me.


The next step could mean different things for different people. For me, it means taking my fertility medicine that evening, returning a phone call from my doctor, paying a medical bill, getting my blood drawn, or whatever the next time-sensitive step is to get me closer to my goal of having a baby. I also feel in control with each appointment I go to because it is a tangible step in the right direction, no matter what the current status of my womb is, I am that much closer to my dream every time I show up to the many appointments I have. The mantra, “One step at a time, one appointment at a time” helped me to cope way better than I imagined I would.


“. . . no matter what the current status of my womb is, I am that much closer to my dream every time I show up to the many appointments I have.” 


One last thing before I sign off for the night, or I should say morning now. My husband has been open about talking with his friends, family, and coworkers about our infertility, as have I. While we stood in line at the movie theater he showed me a text that his coworker sent saying his wife was willing to be our surrogate. That totally blew me away! I began to tear up in the line for popcorn. That is so beautiful and amazing that someone I have not even met would make such an offer, all because our husbands were open enough with each other to talk about this and try to come up with solutions. At the moment there is nothing physically wrong with me, my uterus is not inverted and I no longer have scar tissue blocking potential implantation. My egg count is low and that could be a problem. Perhaps we could use donor eggs and my husband’s DNA and implant the embryo into me if none of my eggs are good after multiple IVF attempts. I still want that experience of giving birth. But I think surrogacy would be the final attempt, and I’m still at the starting line. But such an amazing offer! I’ll definitely keep her in mind for the future.


“Once you are able to pull back the veil of grief and privacy, it becomes so liberating.”


Every day I am feeling more and more connected to people because of how open I’ve become about my fertility issues. When I was ready to start opening up with people I told my husband he could do the same if he wanted. It’s incredible how encouraging people are. Once you are able to pull back the veil of grief and privacy, it becomes so liberating.




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