Fair warning, this post is not for the faint of heart. It might be triggering for some. So I’ll give you the option to skip ahead to the section titled “Next Steps.” As you’ve probably noticed, I decided to scale back my number of posts because I’ve been fairly busy lately. So instead of weekly posts, I’ve been doing monthly posts, at least for the time being. Thank you to everyone who has sent me well wishes, it means a lot to me.

Post-Surgery Complications

In case you haven’t read my last post, here is a super brief summary of what has been going on. I was diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome and was told I would need to fly out of state to see a specialist for surgery. I did the surgery in California and the doctor discovered I also had a septate uterus, which he corrected in addition to correcting the scarring. He also put in a uterine balloon stent to prevent the reformation of scar tissue. I flew back home and needed to have the ballon stent removed within one week. The doctor back home who agreed to do it then decided to go on vacation, and I had to scramble to find a different doctor on short notice to do the procedure. Luckily I found a different doctor who was able to do it for me. Alright, now you are all caught up.

So here’s the part where I tell you again, if you don’t want to hear potentially triggering details please fast forward to the section titled “Next Steps.” Normally I don’t share things that are too overly detailed, or at least I don’t think I do. But I think there is value in sharing my experience for other women who have been diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome or a Septate Uterus and they are wanting to learn more about what to expect. Let me preface this with saying I’m not sure if the complications I experienced were due to the surgery on my uterine scarring or on my septate uterus, or maybe it was a combination of both. I don’t think I will ever know for sure. 

If you are anything like me, you research what surgeries are going to be like and what happens afterwards. I would look up the basic medical information, to see if there was anything the doctor missed explaining. I’ve also gotten into the habit of looking up a few personal experiences of what to expect. I mostly see these personal experiences in infertility forums, blogs, or on YouTube channels. I saw a real mixed-bag of experiences regarding the uterine balloon stent surgery and what to expect after it’s removed. For me, it was painful having it removed, but at least it was quick. I thought the worst was behind me. But what happened next I really did not expect at all.

After the balloon stent was removed I had what seemed like a normal period for a few days. Not a big deal, my doctor told me I should expect this. Okay great, everything seemed on track. But slowly the bleeding started to increase over the next few days. It got to the point where I was getting really concerned. I was going through about 1.5 pads per hour, and I remembered from my previous miscarriages they told me if I go through one pad per hour for two hours I would need to go to the emergency room. At one point I went through one pad in two minutes. Not only was the amount now worrisome, but I was passing very large clots, some almost as large as my fist. But then it would slow down. I never did reach the “one pad per hour for two hours” rule they typically say, because it would start up, then slow down, then start up again. It was never two consecutive hours.

It looked and felt identical to a miscarriage. I did not expect this at all and I was starting to feel myself panic. Unfortunately it was the weekend and my doctor’s office was closed. I spoke with their answering service who told me they would contact my doctor but it might be upwards of one hour for them to return my call. As they were asking me questions about what was going on I started to cry, because I felt so overwhelmed and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I was scared about possibly passing out from blood loss because I was feeling light-headed and dizzy. I was also scared about the possibility of needing to go to the hospital during a COVID outbreak in my city. The answering service lady was nice and helped to calm me down a little bit.

I somehow managed to calm myself down and decided to lie down, hoping this would slow the bleeding, which actually worked somewhat. I chose to do this instead of going to the emergency room because I wasn’t quite at the one pad per hour timeframe, it was more like one pad per 1.5 hours. I chose to do this because I was waiting for my doctor to call back and I felt it was not severe enough to go to the emergency room yet. Please remember this is my own personal experience and if you are going through something similar you MUST talk with your doctor for guidance. 

I tried to stay as still as possible, avoiding walking around at all. After about 45 minutes of waiting, the on-call doctor called me. She asked if I was on estrogen and I told her yes. Estrogen is commonly prescribed after uterine balloon stent removal to help control bleeding, but clearly it wasn’t working for me. She advised me to start my progesterone pills right away, instead of the original plan which would have had me starting them about 3.5 weeks from then. So I would need to start the progesterone a lot earlier, in hopes to slow down the bleeding. She also advised me to take 600mg of Ibuprofen, drink plenty of water, and to rest. 

Thankfully the pharmacy was able to get my progesterone ready really quickly. My husband picked up the progesterone for me and I took it as soon as he got back. I think the combination of ibuprofen and progesterone was what really helped. It took a while but I was starting to feel better. I bled for 13 days after the balloon stent was removed, even after being placed on both progesterone and estrogen to slow the bleeding.

This whole situation was very similar to my first miscarriage, so it brought up a lot of emotions for me. I would not say it was necessarily PTSD I was experiencing this time, but it was definitely a feeling of being overwhelmed. I managed to control that panicky feeling when I lied down and took some deep breaths. I think had I not done that it would have turned into a panic attack. I think another reason it was emotional for me was that it was totally unexpected. I had done plenty of research on what happens after the uterine balloon stent is removed and even asked my doctor, and no one described anything like what I was experiencing. 

I think it will take several cycles for me to get back to normal after all of that. But even though it was really difficult for me, I am thankful it wasn’t any worse. I could have passed out from the blood loss or been told to go to the emergency room during the COVID outbreak. Even though the whole situation sucked and caused me a lot of stress and pain, I am thankful I got the help I needed just in time. I think had I not got help from my doctor when I did it most likely would have gotten worse and ended up needing to go to the ER. 

Next Steps

I now need to do a follow-up HSG and pelvic ultrasound. Basically they are going to be checking to make sure everything looks good and that there is no more scarring. From what I understand the follow-up HSG is anywhere from Cycle Day 5-11 days, and the pelvic ultrasound is Cycle Day 13-15. All of this is done in the cycle that takes place 30 days after your surgery when the balloon stent was put in, so it’s not the cycle that starts after it is removed. This way it gives you over a month to heal up before they do the follow up HSG or pelvic ultrasound.

Recently I finished up my 30 days of estrogen and my progesterone. They told me to expect my cycle to start up once I stop the medicine. So far everything seems normal. I am scheduled for my follow-up HSG procedure where they will check to see if all of my scarring is gone and whether I will need another surgery or not. My doctor in California said to do this day 5-7 of my cycle but here in Alaska they are telling me they do it day 7-11. They also said they only have availability on day 11 because they do HSG tests on specific days of the week. So I am scheduled to do mine on day 11. I will also need to do a pelvic ultrasound day 13-15, which I still need to schedule.

I was prescribed to take an antibiotic the day before, the day of, and the day after my HSG test. I believe it’s to help prevent infection from the procedure. I decided to make an appointment with an outpatient radiologist office instead of radiology at the hospital, which was where I went last time. I’m really trying to avoid doing anything at the hospital unless necessary because of COVID. I actually requested my doctor not refer me to the hospital for the HSG and they were happy to refer me to an outpatient radiologist instead.

December 17th I have a phone consultation with the IVF clinic in New York. I don’t know whether he will recommend I wait a few cycles before doing IVF because of the surgery I just had. He may want my body to heal up more. Last time I checked New York has a 14-day quarantine upon arrival for certain states with high COVID numbers, and my state (Alaska) is one of them. So that means I would have to sit in a hotel for 14 days straight doing nothing before I could even get IVF treatment, unless there is some medical exemption. But I kind of doubt there is a medical exemption available for fertility patients. I could be wrong though, I’ll have to do more research. If I need to quarantine upon arrival that is a lot of money I would need to pay to sit in a hotel and do nothing. 

Basically I will be establishing care with the clinic in New York by phone. In all actuality, now is really not the best time to go down. I’m concerned about getting COVID, because I have two preexisting conditions, high blood pressure and I am technically obese. I’ve been working really hard to lose weight. I’ve lost some already but I have a ways to go. I am almost out of the “obese” range and into the “overweight range.” It would be awesome if I could get to a healthy weight and not need high blood pressure pills anymore. Not to mention I am concerned about being overweight during IVF treatment and the impact it would have on my egg quality. 

So there’s the health concerns, and on top of that I don’t have enough money saved up. So I will need to figure out another way to pay for it, most likely I will need to get a loan or use credit for part of the cost. I’m looking into a second job, well technically it would be a third job. I have two jobs now but they are part-time and the hours vary. The clinic in New York can do a monthly payment plan for their portion of the cost but I would need to pay for the medication up front. 

Realistically speaking, I may not be able to IVF for a while. At this point I really don’t know when. I’m hoping the doctor can give me some information on his end about whether I would need to quarantine or not. He may even advise me to wait until a vaccine is out. At this point I truly have no idea when I can go. My husband has some time off planned early next year, so maybe I’ll ask about the doctor’s availability then. But he’s a pretty in-demand doctor, it took me 3.5 months to get a phone consultation with him, so it might be even longer to actually do the egg retrieval.

I’m leaning more towards doing only an egg retrieval at first, and then sometime later the actual embryo transfer. That way I have more time to get to healthy weight, and I really don’t want the added stress of being pregnant during COVID if at all possible. With embryo banking I can wait until the right time before actually getting pregnant. But then again my doctor may say something to the effect of “you’re not getting any younger, you should just do it now.” It will be my first phone consultation with him, so I don’t know if he will be gung-ho about just starting treatment or if he will be more cautious and have me wait.

Have you postponed fertility treatment during COVID? If so, when do you plan to start again? After a certain amount of time, after a vaccine, etc.? If you have decided to continue treatment during the pandemic what ways are you being safe? I’m curious to hear your opinions. Stay safe everyone!

We’ve invested so much time, money, energy, and our hearts into trying to have a baby. This journey is certainly not for the faint of heart. Many of us in the infertility community refer to each other as “warriors.” I know some people disagree with this and say, “How can I call myself a warrior when I cry?” or they say “I feel so weak, and not strong like a warrior.” You may not see it in yourself, but we can see it in you. You are a warrior and you are strong. I am inspired when I see other people overcoming infertility, because it gives me hope. Later in this post I will talk about a couple who truly are the definition of infertility warriors and you may find their story as uplifting as I did.

I believe there are different ways to “overcome” infertility. This could mean building a family with biological, foster, or adopted children. It could also mean deciding to live child-free. But I think “overcoming” infertility is more about reaching a place of contentment. In all honesty, this is still a work in progress for me, and that’s okay too. You may also be at the same stage I am, a kind of in-between place. You can read more about my thoughts on overcoming infertility in my post HopingForBaby.com’s Beginnings.

Catch up on my previous FET posts here.

Pregnancy Test Result

If you read my previous post The Two Week Wait, you’ll know I chose not to take a home pregnancy test during this time. I decided to wait for the official results to come in from my quantitative hCG test I took at the doctors office. I had my blood drawn the day my clinic said I should know for sure whether I am pregnant or not. 

I went in at 8:00am for my test, went home, and watched some TV while I waited. I started watching Miss Meadows, a kind of offbeat movie with Kill Bill vibes. I decided to check my email about halfway through the movie, and there it was, my results. “Your Quest Diagnostics Lab Results are Now Available” the subject of the email said. I hesitated briefly and wondered if I should click on it, or wait to hear directly from my clinic. I decided to go ahead and open the email. Below is my test result:

HCG shows negative pregnancy test result.

You can see that my result was less than 1 mIU/mL, and it says that anything less than 5 mIU/mL means I’m not pregnant. I suppose I was in denial initially. Maybe this was a mistake. I’m not sure how many women take a home pregnancy test after they receive official results from their doctor’s office, but apparently I am one of them. I had left over pregnancy test strips I ordered in bulk from Amazon a while back. I pulled one out and waited three minutes to see the results. It too was also negative. I feel like I needed this visual to make it more tangible and to help me process the news.

I was feeling kind of numb from it all. I just went back to watching my movie. I waited until Kurtis came home on his lunch hour before I told him that we weren’t pregnant. I think he was also in denial too at first. I told him my clinic hadn’t called me yet, so he was hoping they may say something different on the phone. But I told him about the home pregnancy test as well as the email. We were both lying down in the bedroom and we just held each other for a while. He asked that I let him know what the clinic says when they call, then he went back to work.

It wasn’t until several hours later that my clinic called me. I listened to my nurse tell me that she was sorry it hadn’t worked out. She asked if we were thinking of doing another round of IVF in the future. I told her, “I’m not sure.” I could have asked any one of the questions that were on my mind about why this happened, but in the moment it was just too hard. I kept the phone call brief and thanked her for letting me know. When I feel up to it I will follow up with the clinic about what we can do to improve our odds, if at all, if we choose to do another round. I feel like I need that closure, at least closure from this particular clinic because I know we will not be seeking further treatment with them. If we do treatment in the future it will be with a different clinic.

Taking a Break

The third day after finding out we weren’t pregnant was very difficult for me. What made it so hard was the conversation I had with my husband that morning. I started talking about how I wanted to ask my doctor about a different treatment plan. 

He said, “At what point do we decide to stop?” 

I answered him by saying, “I feel like there are gaps in my treatment. They missed the fact that I had the MTHFR gene mutation for four years, I feel like there may be other tests I might need. I’ve heard about immunological tests. It could be that I need a certain medicine I haven’t tried yet. I want to find out more. I feel like there are other things we can do. I don’t want to stop now. I was just about to see a new doctor here soon.”

Then he said, “I understand you have low ovarian reserve and you don’t have much time left. But I need to take a break from it all. I can’t handle it emotionally or financially right now.” 

He stood up, and took our dog outside. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I walked to the bedroom and holed up in there for most of the day, just laying in bed in the dark. I watched one movie. I cried a couple times. It was the first time I had actually cried after the bad news. Went back to laying there in the dark staring at the ceiling. I had so many thoughts come to me during this time. 

It took me most of the day to process my own emotions before I started considering his perspective. This was the first time he talked about how it was emotionally affecting him. I know that it has affected him financially. Although he isn’t paying for the treatment or medication, he has been covering most of the other bills. He’s mentioned his worries about money before. 

The more I thought about it there were subtle signs before that he was feeling the loss like I was. When I was holed up in the dark bedroom he had come in at one point and plopped on the bed face down right next to me. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk or something. I told him maybe. He mumbled something into the bed and just layed there for a bit. In hindsight his body language and everything about that moment seemed to be an expression of sadness. 

Then I remembered the day before when he called out from work. I asked him if he was sick or if he was taking a personal day. He said, “A little of both.” It didn’t click with me in the moment that maybe the stress of the bad news may have been a factor with how he was feeling. He’s not one to talk about his emotions.

He even said it himself, “I can’t handle it emotionally.” Why didn’t I actually listen to what he was saying then? After I got some rest I talked with him about it the next day. He said he was wanting to take a break of maybe one month. This was entirely different from what I expected him to say. Just based on what he was telling me the day before I figured he would say “one year.” I told him that one month is definitely reasonable. 

I mentioned I will still plan on meeting my new doctor and see about taking any tests, but I agreed to no fertility treatment procedures for the month. I also told him, “I’ll try not to talk about treatment plans or anything unless you ask me what’s going on.” He agreed that sounded good. He needs a breather from all of this, and I get it now.

Range of Emotions

Over these past few days since I got the negative result I’ve experienced a range of emotions. I was feeling very numb the first day. The second day I was angry, and all my anger was directed towards the clinic. I felt like maybe they didn’t provide me with the care I needed as an individual. But I didn’t actually cry at all until three days after the news. It wasn’t an all consuming kind of cry either, it was more like a couple moments of crying. The third day is when I felt the most “heavy” emotions. I was basically in bed the entire day, just laying there in the dark. I had a million thoughts rolling through my head the entire day. It was a very difficult day mostly because that morning Kurtis told me he wanted a break from treatment. After I took the day to process my own emotions about the loss, I was also able to realize that this was also emotional for him as well. I was starting to see from his perspective when I thought this wasn’t emotional for him at all. The fourth day my primary emotion was that of hope. He and I had talked things out and agreed to take a short break from treatments and heal from this.

Several months ago I thought about the possibility that my frozen embryo transfer may not work. This filled me with so much dread at the time. I was worried what that would mean for us as a couple. I imagined it would break me. I told my friend that I would probably be drinking a lot of wine to cope. But now that I’m here, it doesn’t feel as bad as I anticipated. And I made the conscious decision not to buy any wine, because alcohol is a depressant and that’s the last thing I need right now. 

I’ve been spending time with Kurtis and just taking it easy. We watched movies together at home, ones that are uplifting. I started taking the dog out for walks more, instead of Kurtis doing most of it like he has the past few days. I listened to music. I did some writing. I called my Mom. I received support from friends. I’m trying to do as many healthy coping skills as possible, I think because of that I’ve been able to accept this a little better.

Message of Support from Another Infertility Warrior

I was checking some of my messages a few days ago on my social media accounts and I saw a new one from one of my followers. 

Here’s what their message said:

“Hey, just checking in with your journey. If we are right, blood test was today or yesterday? As one family who has experienced struggles to another, know you’re not alone. Whether it’s joy or frustration, both are real, valid, and warranted – never feel like you shouldn’t feel the way that you feel.”

Here was my response:

“[. . .] I wanted to say that your message meant so much to me and I was deeply moved by it. I apologize it took several days to respond, I was dealing with some hard emotions about receiving a negative pregnancy test. [. . .] I wanted to say thank you for reaching out to me and asking how I am doing. At first I felt numb, then I felt angry, then depressed, and now I am starting to feel a little better. So a whole range of emotions. I talked with my husband about your message and how much it meant to me. I said to him, “There’s people out there who really do care about us.”

It blew me away that others were following our journey closely enough to know I hadn’t posted anything about the pregnancy test results yet. They had looked at the timeline and knew when it would have been time for me to find out. What they told me felt like exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time I needed to hear it. So who was it that reached out to me with those kind words? I asked if they were okay if I shared their message of support on my blog and they said yes. They are Charlie and Missy, and they too experienced infertility struggles. A while back I had watched their inspiring YouTube video titled Evolution of a Family: From 1 to 6 Kids in Less than 5 Years (Winning the Infertility Battle). It was a memorable and inspirational video of how they overcame infertility. It brought me hope to see it again and I think you will enjoy it as well. Thank you again Charlie and Missy for reaching out to me and showing your support! 🙂

Being open about my infertility struggles through my blog and different social media accounts has helped me to gain more knowledge, feel connected, and get support from others. When I can, I also try to give back too. Sometimes I share my knowledge, through my own trial and error. Or I’ll send words of encouragement when someone posts some tough news. I love congratulating other infertility warriors when they finally give birth to their precious baby. Seeing those stories fills me with hope. If they can do it, maybe I can too. This community has lifted me up in so many ways. I wouldn’t be the same without you all, and for that I am forever grateful. 

The dreaded two-week wait. This is the time when you wait to find out whether you are officially pregnant or not. Or in my case, it is technically the dreaded 9-day wait, because I transferred my 5-day old embryo. Even though five days are knocked off my wait time, it is still a stressful time. It’s more like a low-grade stress. I’ve been coping by zoning out in front of the TV, trying to distract myself.

Catch up on my previous FET posts here.

Recently I asked on Instagram whether you all chose to wait for your hCG blood results from your doctor, or if you took a home pregnancy test before your two week wait was over. I was actually surprised that most of you said that you chose not to wait, and took a home pregnancy test. A decent amount of you said that you take multiple tests during this time. Some of you said that the main reason you wanted to do it at home is that it felt so impersonal to hear the results from someone they don’t even know from the clinic. It’s understandable that you want to share that moment with your partner, whether it’s good or bad news it’s nice to actually have someone you love with you for support.

But my husband and I talked it over and we agreed that for us, it was best if we waited for official results from the doctor’s office. I wanted zero mystery, and so did he. Between false positives and false negatives, it’s just not worth it to us. I have recently come across several infertility Instagram accounts that have talked about how heart breaking it was to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test. All of the initial joy and excitement can make your heart sink so quickly with a false positive. 

During my Two Week Wait I occasionally posted on my different social media accounts with pictures from my trip, and updating everyone how everything was going. Some people messaged me and said they were surprised that I am choosing not to do a home pregnancy test and said to me, “I can’t do that, I would have gone crazy.” But I feel like I would have actually gone crazy if I did test myself. Because knowing myself, and what I used to do, I would have been testing daily like I see other women doing. Not to say they are crazy, but I would have been locked into an all-consuming circle of thoughts that usually sounded something like this:

It’s Friday night and I won’t be able to do an hCG blood test until Monday at my doctors office. I’ll call them then. Maybe I’ll try a test here at home in the mean time. Is it too early to test?

(Googles earliest time to test and learns that each home pregnancy test is different.)

Here we go…

The instructions say a faint pink line is pregnant. Is that a faint pink line? Hmm.. (squints hard)

Or is that a “shadow line?” Because I’ve heard a shadow line isn’t really pregnant.

If I turn it slightly to the side the line looks pink on the edges. So does that mean it’s actually a pink line?

Maybe if I take a photo of it and post it in my infertility group they could help me figure it out.

But what if the lighting isn’t good enough for all of them to see? 

(Takes 10 photos and analyzes the clearest one to post, then uploads for others to analyze as well).

Looks like about half of them are saying “pregnant” and congratulating me. Wow look at all those smile and heart emojis they are giving me. Maybe I am pregnant.

But it looks like a decent amount of others are saying “not pregnant” and telling me “So sorry, sending hugs your way.” 

Some people are also saying “I don’t know” or “it’s too hard to tell.”

Seems to be a real mixed bag of responses. Now I’m even more confused.

Hmmm…I see here this other person took a picture of their pregnancy test and inverted the colors to see the line better. Maybe I should try that. Dang, I already threw away the test. I’ll have to do this all over again.

And on, and on it goes…

No thanks, I don’t want to deal with that again. And even digital pregnancy tests can have false positives or say “Error.” So they aren’t completely fool-proof. Plus they are expensive. You’ve probably seen other women posting photos of their cheapies (cheap home pregnancy test strips), with hand written dates or time in their cycle when they took their test. Not one, not two, not even three, but it seems to me the average amount of cheapies used during the typical two-week wait seems to be six. That’s six days of doing a home pregnancy test. Six times to analyze a pee stick, maybe post it online, and wait to hear what others think. I’ve also seen women doing it for their entire two-week wait. 

That is a hard pass for me. I know how my mind works and I would drive myself bananas if I did it every day. Can you understand now, why I chose to say hell no to a home pregnancy test this time? I’m so over it. If you’ve followed our timeline you’ll know I’ve experienced pregnancy losses and I haven’t had a baby yet. Truth be told, a home pregnancy test means nothing to me anymore. I don’t get excited about taking them and instead I actually dread them. I don’t breathe a sigh of relief when it looks positive. Instead I question when the other shoe will drop, because based on my own experience it always does. 

For me, seeing my baby healthy and alive on the ultrasound monitor has so much more meaning than a “maybe” pink line on a pee stick. Although I don’t recall the exact statistic, I’ve heard that once you hear your baby’s heartbeat your odds of miscarriage go down quite a bit. Although I’ve never been able to make it far enough to hear my baby’s heartbeat, in the past I’ve been able to see my baby’s heartbeat in two different pregnancies. That was really amazing, to actually see life inside of me with a tiny little heartbeat fluttering away. These are the types of milestones I look forward to and I hope for again in the future.

Did you use a home pregnancy test during your two-week wait? If so, when did you take it? What advice would you give other women who are in their two-week wait? Comment below.

From my account on Instagram @hopingforbabyblog

Today is big, like really big. If you are new here let me catch you up quickly. I’ve struggled with infertility for about 4.5 years. I’ve had six miscarriages, all from natural conception. I’ve done two egg retrievals and only had one embryo. Our embryo has been cryopreserved for a while. After nearly two years of medical and other issues come up (see Our Timeline), I am finally able to do this transfer. It’s been such a long, exhausting road but I am finally, finally here. 

Entry written prior to posted date.

Catch up on my previous FET prep posts here.

What was it like to do an embryo transfer during COVID-19?

My husband was unable to take time off work to be with me. Even if he was here, he wouldn’t be allowed in the procedure room due to my clinic’s COVID-19 policy, that only allows the patient in the waiting room and procedure room. Plus I’m not here to do any sightseeing while COVID-19 is going on, and the numbers are much higher in Seattle compared to back home in Anchorage. I’m only staying inside the hotel other than going to my procedure. Essentially I’m self-isolating while in Seattle.  My clinic requires all patients and staff to wear masks to that is reassuring.

I bought a plastic face shield from Amazon not too long ago and wore it on my flights. I felt a little safer wearing it, especially when I heard a lot of sneezing and some coughing coming from all parts of the plane. I wanted to take extra precautions if I become pregnant and to also protect my family members who are immunocompromised. My state requires a negative COVID test and/or 14-day quarantine once residents and visitors arrive in Alaska. I’m actually surprised that Seattle doesn’t have this in place, I’ve heard this is due to their recent decline in cases. But their overall numbers are a lot higher than back home. So when I go back home I will need to do a COVID test right there at the airport.

Looking like a turbo nerd in my face shield, but with all the sneezing and coughing I hear around me on the plane a feel a little better with this.

The Deathbed Test

Several years ago when I was conflicted on what to do about my infertility diagnosis, when my head and my heart were at odds, I decided to do the “deathbed” test. You’ve probably already heard of this, but if not, it essentially is a question you ask yourself. Imagine you are on your deathbed, thinking back on your choices in life. Ask yourself, “Will I regret not doing _______?” You can fill in the blank with whatever scenario you are currently debating. For me personally, I find that this is a great question to ask to get clarity. 

I asked myself years ago, “Will I regret not trying to get reproductive assistance to have a baby?” For me, it was a lightning bolt of realization, a strong and resounding, “Yes, I will regret not trying.” Even if I try and try and I reach the point where I decide to stop, at least I can look back on my life and know I did everything possible to make it happen. So here I am now, doing all I can. There have been times where I’ve experienced extreme exhaustion physically and mentally form all of this, to the point where I question whether I will be able to continue if this doesn’t work. The outcome and timeline may not be what I want, but as long as I am making my best effort, I will be content. 

Good Luck Charm

If you’ve been around the infertility block, you’ll know that embryo transfers are a time for hopeful traditions. It’s all in an effort to embrace the possibility that maybe your embryo will implant and you will become pregnant. Some of those include wearing colorful lucky socks with pineapples (symbol of fertility). Some socks say “IVF got this,” which doubles as a self-empowering statement, as well as telling others you are going through IVF with a hopeful heart. My personal favorite is the one that says “Sticky Vibes” with a smiling pineapple. There are also T-shirts made specifically for transfer day. People have seriously carved out an entire niche business around transfer day products. 

With everything going on I’ve been so busy planning for my transfer that I forgot to order lucky socks or a shirt. But despite the plethora of socks and shirts to choose from, I decided to do a quicker and, as it turns out, a much more affordable option. I went to my local craft store, Michael’s, picked out a pineapple charm and attached it to a matching gold chain. Only three bucks, not too shabby. I decided to wear it on my transfer day, which you can see in my pictures further below.

Pineapple Necklace I bought from Michael’s craft store.

Just Before the Transfer

I decided to take a couple pictures just before I left my hotel for my transfer. In these pictures it captures my gratitude for having made it this far as well as my hopefulness, that just maybe this will work. It’s a long shot, but I need to take it. I’m happy to have this opportunity. These pictures are of pure joy, despite not knowing what the future holds. I know I am doing all I can, with all I have. 

After I downed 24 ounces of water between 1:00pm-1:30pm for my 2:00pm procedure, I was good to go. For your transfer most doctors recommend you come in with a full bladder which I’ve heard helps them see what’s going on better during the ultrasound when they do the transfer. I put on my necklace, snapped those quick photos to capture the moment, then I was on my way to the clinic.

As we pulled up to the clinic something unusual happened. There was a pedestrian trying to cross in front of my Uber. He was pushing a cart with a fully assembled office chair inside. Instead of slowly moving from the sidewalk to the road itself he pushed the cart hard and the office chair flew out of the cart and across the street. He started cursing as my driver had to completely drive into the other lane to get around him as he picked up his chair. The driver had to do this because there were cars quickly piling up behind us. My driver pulled further up beyond the man, who managed to get the chair back into his cart. Stay with me here, because all of this comes together with something that happens later.

I got out of my Uber, thanked the driver, and walked across the street to my clinic. The man with the cart is now yelling loudly, and although he is yelling I cannot understand anything he is saying. It sounds like fast-paced gibberish. I don’t know if he’s yelling at my driver, or me, or at the situation. I can’t make out anything he is saying. But he’s got his cart, the chair inside the cart again, and he made it across the street without getting hurt. No a big deal, other than maybe a slight blow to his ego. I open up the door to my clinic and make my way to the surgery center. 

The way this building is set up there is a big open lobby area where no matter what floor you are on you can look down onto the lobby. So after I got off the elevator I was walking towards the surgery center. Just before I got to the surgery center door I heard a loud slam come from downstairs in the lobby. I glanced down and saw the man that had been on the street with the cart was now pushing the cart into the entrance door, struggling to get into the building while he was yelling. I could hear him all the way up on the fourth floor, across the whole building.  In all honesty, I felt like it was none of my business, plus I had my procedure I had to get to on time.

I quickly signed a few papers in the surgery center and sat down in the waiting room. I could feel myself smiling and sighing with relief. I’m here, I’m finally here. After everything I’ve been through, this could actually work. I’m minutes away from my long awaited embryo transfer. I’ve waited almost two years for this moment. 

A few seconds after I sat down another patient came in, a guy. At first I thought he was here to support his partner. But I heard the receptionist say something about his surgery to him. Ball surgery I thought to myself. Ouch. This surgery center strictly deals with reproductive issues. Granted I am woefully informed on male reproductive surgery options, other than testicular surgery where they can actually extract sperm if the man has problems producing sperm the good old fashioned way. I’m making assumptions about this guy, and I could be totally wrong. If you are reading this and you were that guy in the office I apologize if my assumptions were wrong. 

Fire Alarm Goes off Just Before Transfer

Both he and I sat there quietly for about two minutes. Then I thought I saw a quick flash of light.  Maybe the fluorescent light above us flickered briefly. A few seconds later I saw the bright flash again. This time I noticed the guy sitting across from me was looking up at the ceiling. I looked up to see what he was looking at. I realized he was looking at the silent fire alarm flashing for the third time now. No sound, maybe it’s a test. Then…waaaaaah, waaaaaah, waaaaa– “Are you for real?!” I shouted at the alarm. Here I was about to finally do my embryo transfer, and then of the all the moments for the fire alarm to go off it goes off now. What the actual f**k?!

Not knowing the circumstances I got up and evacuated with everyone else. We all filed down the emergency stairs and out of the building. I’m not sure how many people evacuated but there looked to be at least 50 people that evacuated. Initially I was feeling angry about the situation, but as soon as I stepped into the alleyway, I started to feel stress shoot through my body. I decided to call my husband and it helped to hear his voice as he tried to reassure me that it was probably a false alarm. But now I had so many questions come to me all at once. I posted about it on Instagram:

“Is my embryo sitting thawed out already? How long will it survive sitting there if it is thawed? Is this a false alarm or is the building really on fire somewhere?

I was stressed to the max.

My bladder was very full (needed for transfer).

I had no clue what would happen to my embryo.

Thirty minutes later the fireman gave the all clear. I overheard the staff say that it turns out someone pulled the fire alarm…” (Instagram @hopingforbabyblog)

I’m no detective, but I’m thinking the man who was yelling gibberish and slamming his shopping cart into the front door may have been the culprit. But I don’t know for sure, that’s my best guess though. What a fantastic day this is turning out to be. It’s truly the exact opposite experience someone should be having before their embryo transfer. You are supposed to be reducing your stress level, meditating, thinking happy thoughts, and all that s**t. All of that was out the window for me now.

I could still feel my heart pounding with anxiety when I got back into the office. I asked the receptionist right away, “Is my embryo okay? Was it sitting there thawed out?” She reassured me that it was not thawed out because they hadn’t called me back yet. Phew! Oh my God, I was literally minutes away from that scenario. When I got called back to the procedure room I saw my doctor in the hallway, she smiled and said, “Hey it could have been worse,” which is true I suppose. 

The Transfer

I changed quickly in the procedure room and got into position in the super awkward exam table. This one is different from your typical table. This one splays out your legs so far that if you aren’t flexible it feels like you are going to break in half. No one told me I needed to be flexible for this procedure. “I don’t think I can bend that way” I jokingly told the sonographer. But I managed to make it work. “Are you okay?”she asked me. I laughed again and said, “Not really.” She adjusted the leg holders a bit inward. It was better, but not comfortable by any means. I guess it’s supposed to be that way for this particular procedure, not like with your annual exam.

The sonographer checked my bladder briefly to see if it was full enough. After this friggin’ fire alarm and waiting nearly an hour with a full bladder I felt super uncomfortable. But my bladder had to be full for the procedure. Here’s what I wrote on Instagram account later:

“Despite someone pulling the fire alarm right before my embryo transfer (see previous post), I was still able to do my transfer. And yes, I had to hold from going pee with a full bladder (required for transfer) while the fireman were inside for about 30 minutes.

When I was finally able to go back inside I only had one thing on my mind while they were inserting my embryo…”please don’t pee, please don’t pee, PLEEEASE!” I had to go so badly now that we were running late for my transfer.

Near the last few minutes I could feel my heart rate going down. They told me that because I hadn’t been called back when the alarm went off, they hadn’t thawed the embryo yet. So my embryo was perfectly fine just chillin’ in cryopreservation while I was nearly having a panic attack outside on the sidewalk.

The embryologist said my embryo looks “beautiful” and that it was hatching, which I’ve heard is a good sign. I was able to go to the bathroom right after the transfer, THANK YOU JESUS!

I cannot believe this happened today, but I’m even more surprised I was still able to do the transfer despite the situation. What a rollercoaster of emotions! Phew! Right now I’m just relaxing in my hotel.”  (Instagram @hopingforbabyblog)

My Embryo

Before they transferred my embryo they handed me a card with a close-up photo of my embryo. They let me know my embryo was hatching and that it looked really good. I was so flustered from the fire alarm I didn’t think to ask what grade it was. But I figured it was good since they said it looked like a high quality embryo. It was amazing to see this embryo not only in the photo but also in real time. They let me know the embryo survived the thaw and they let me watch on the screen as the embryologist carefully sucked my embryo into the thin catheter. The embryologist walked over to my doctor, who then inserted the embryo inside me. Afterwards the embryologist examines the catheter to make sure the embryo is no longer inside and that it was successfully transfered. It only took a few minutes and it was over. I was  looking at the photo of my embryo on the drive back to my hotel. Maybe this little embryo will turn into a pregnancy, that will turn into a live-birth. Maybe I will finally have a baby. I felt like my hope had been renewed.

Good Eats

I decided to hop on the bandwagon and participate in the fun tradition of eating McDonald’s French fries right after embryo transfer. If you ever wonder why women from the infertility community are happily posing on Instagram or Facebook with french fries after their transfer, the belief is that it may help with the embryo implanting. I don’t really buy into this theory. I just like french fries. I was most of the way through my fries and then I remembered I wanted to take a picture, just for funsies. I feel like I evened it out with a healthy salad later that night. It was one of the best salads I’ve ever had. If you are ever in Seattle, go to Joey Restaurant and order the Farmers Market Salmon Salad. Friggin’ amazing! Super healthy. 

Post-transfer Fries

Yummy Salmon Salad while watching 90 Day Fiance Marathon at my hotel.

Will my Embryo Implant?

I’m happy that I was still able to do my transfer, but it was so stressful. I don’t know whether the high stress will impact the embryo implanting. You always hear fertility doctors saying that we need to do everything to be as relaxed as possible, so what will come of this situation. The only thing I can do is try to chill out at the hotel tonight and tomorrow morning. I leave on my plane tomorrow afternoon. Now I need to wait to see if my embryo implants or not. I’ll need to do a quantitative hCG blood test here soon. I’ll be posting more photos of my trip on Instagram here later.