(Entry written prior to posted date)
Date written: 9/3/19
PLEASE READ FIRST: Although this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I still wanted to share my experience of this pregnancy. I wasn’t ready to talk about my pregnancy as it was happening, so I wrote this entry prior to the date it is posted.
I’ve decided this pregnancy needs to stay a secret from pretty much everyone until I at least pass my first trimester. This is proving to be difficult while I continue to write posts about other things going on simultaneously. For example, while I was waiting to get tested for the MTHFR gene mutation and when I got my results what I didn’t tell you all is that I was mostly there for testing my HCG levels because I was pregnant. Sneaky, sneaky. I so wanted to share the news because I was so happy but I ultimately chose to wait because I wanted to not deal with the questions I would get. I tend to be OCD at times and I overly research the s**t out of things enough as it is with this pregnancy, almost to the point of neurosis. So I really didn’t want to have the added stress of other people’s questions and worries on top of my own. For this pregnancy it was more of a strategic stress management decision. I wanted to reduce my stress as much as possible. I’ve decided to keep this news to myself until I feel comfortable to share it, which in all honestly will probably be sometime during my second trimester.
I just got off the phone with the office of my geneticist. My OBGYN doctor referred me there since I was found to be positive for the MTHFR gene mutation. So my geneticist’s office has been playing phone tag with my OBGYN office and apparently didn’t have a clue why I was referred to them. So I had to explain to them that I was pregnant, had the MTHFR gene mutation and needed to find out ASAP whether I should be taking Lovenox or not. So I’m still waiting to hear back. My OBGYN didn’t seem too sure whether I should be taking a Baby Asprin or not, so I decided to continue taking it since I’ve read that it probably wouldn’t do any harm if I took it but didn’t need it.
As far as how I’m feeling, well imagine that every ounce of life has been zapped from your body and that’s pretty much what I’m feeling. I have zero energy, and I mean zero. It takes a decent amount of energy just to get up and get something to eat. I’ve been parked in front of the TV so much my body aches until I force myself up and stretch while I reach for a small snack. I’ve been eating like a bird, very small amounts but frequently. I’m eating frequently because my nausea has been absolutely terrible and the only thing to keep it at bay is to have a little snack in my stomach. I don’t eat full meals much, and if I do it takes me forever to eat it all. I definitely have morning sickness when I wake up. Needless to say Saltine crackers have become my new best friend. We bought a Costco sized box of twelve sleeves of crackers which will probably last me just a couple weeks.
A couple years back I was eating a snack at work and my coworker’s face lit up and she said, “Oh my God! You’re pregnant!” I was so confused how the comment came seemingly out of nowhere. “Uh, no, just hungry. I haven’t eaten yet today” I said. She pointed to my snack as if I should have known I was pregnant just based on what I was eating. I was so confused and asked her why she thought I was pregnant. She explained that I must have been because I was eating Saltine crackers and that no one eats Saltine crackers unless they are pregnant. I explained to her that I like salty snacks and that I figured it was better than potato chips. It took a while to convince her that I was not pregnant. Knowing that some people so strongly associate these crackers with pregnancy is going to be a problem for me while I try to keep my current pregnancy under wraps. They are the only thing keeping me from being barfy. Granted I no longer work with that person, but I am a terrible liar and need to figure out how to maneuver around this possible question. Mamma needs her Saltines!
As far as emotionally, I’m excited that this pregnancy has been going well so far. I’ve had no problems at all other than some random sharp pains. But my baby’s heart is beating well and it’s measuring perfectly on track with the ultrasound. Kurtis had to work that day so I’m hoping he and I will be able to actually see the heartbeat the next time we are there. And maybe we can actually make out some body parts instead of it appearing like a blob where it’s hard to even tell where the head is. I’m counting down the days. We are doing the appointment and ultrasound on Friday the 13th. I hadn’t really thought that one out, but I figure with the terrible luck I’ve had in the past maybe I should play the “opposite game” and stick with that appointment date. Maybe our little one will be just as healthy and strong as it was with the first ultrasound but bigger.
I’ve been using the Ovia Pregnancy app on my phone. I love that app because it gives an adorable cartoon rendition of what the baby looks like at each week of the pregnancy. It also tells you what size the baby is, mostly in fruit, but this week my baby is the size of a southern pecan according to the app. It even shows you the actual size of the baby’s hand which really adds to the cuteness factor and will make anyone go “awww.”
As much as I want to be in the moment I also really want this first trimester to fly by, so I can feel some sense of security knowing the miscarriage risk is lower. I know you can lose a baby at any point during the pregnancy. But to get past the first trimester would be amazing and surreal, because I’ve had that chance. Even now, when I think about how this time next year I could be cuddling with my baby, it seems very surreal. The best way I can describe it is when you have such a strong dream in your heart, but you’re told it will never happen, and then way later down the road it suddenly becomes a possibility. It’s hard to fully embrace that reality when you feel like it can be ripped out from under you at any point. But I still carry on and try to stay optimistic.
Thank you for reading.
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