As I begin to write this entry I had to first turn down the brightness to my laptop screen. The TV is off. My blinds are closed and the only light in the room is whatever breaks through the blinds on this overcast day, or at least I think it’s overcast outside. My puppy has finally settled down from his typical rambunctiousness and is lying by my feet on the couch. I’m wondering how long I can look at this dimly lit screen as I type before I need to lie down.

This entire summer I’ve battled a never ending migraine, that is only temporarily dulled for a few hours at a time by strong prescription meds and excedrin that I alternate them with. This plan of mine has kept me out of the emergency room but the absolute biggest problem in my life at this moment are rebound migraines. The diagnosis of a “rebound migraine” no where near encapsulates the excruciating and debilitating pain I am in. I know now what it’s like to be an addict, fiending for my fix. But my “fix” is out of the question these days. My Imitrex seemed very harmless the first time I got them. Only 9 in a month-long supply in an innocuous white box. It was a game changer, for a time. I was able to work, get out of the house, and even socialize without the pain of migraines. When people spoke, it didn’t sound like they were hollering into my ear anymore. When I was under fluorescent lights at work I was able to laugh out loud and even look up at the light while at the same time, without feeling like my skull was about to crack open. I could carry on conversations with people and not have to think about excuses to get out of them because my head was pulsating to the point I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and I was trying to balance my physical need for quiet while also trying not being rude.

The pills worked for a time. But my body grew used to them to the point where if I went several days without them I would be in immense pain. This summer, is much like a summer I had about 10 years ago, where every single day I was in terrible pain and did not go outside. The only difference between this summer and that one is that I had these pills now, so for part of my summer I occasionally got out.

But this is a whole new ballgame. I’m doing IVF in August and I cannot continue this medicine. Because it is not healthy for a growing baby in the womb. My alternatives are very, very slim. Today I sat in my doctors office, going over a list of potential medicines I could try. I pushed the fact that I am doing IVF soon and I absolutely must not take something that could harm my baby. Now, that being said, I will say if you are reading this and going through a similar situation and suffer from migraines right before IVF do not follow what I’m about to say as gospel, I’m just doing what my doctor prescribes, and so should you. My doctor knew my blood pressure could fluctuate quite dramatically to the point of stroke levels at times and be completely normal other days. So she told me to trash all my migraine meds I was on and to instead that a blood pressure medicine. It helps with migraines too, and most importantly it is safe in pregnancy. Sounds good, at least that’s what I thought with the last one. But I guess this one is a daily dose so it will help to prevent migraines supposedly.

Pain, struggle, fear, and looking that fear straight on is part of the human experience. Hopefully soon I can come to the other side of this mess and be able to look back and call it a beautiful mess. One beautiful, amazing, life-changing thing that shot a lightning bolt of excitement and happiness in me was from a phone call I received recently saying I won a grant I applied to for IVF. I immediately burst into tears of gratitude and elation. It is covering about half of the expenses. Although this whole infertility thing has beaten me down almost to a pulp, I still find solace from others like me. I read their stories online, I hear their emotionally raw stories and the happy ending of a healthy baby. Some blogs ask the question, “Would you rather fight for your marriage, or fight for your future baby?” That is a terrible reality many women face. And it’s a question I need to bring to the forefront of my mind. It’s a balancing act, and I will choose myself, my husband, and my future child all equally. It’s easier said than done of course, now it will be my mission to learn how to actually balance all of this, while staying healthy, and not neglecting our finances. Oh, it’s a fine line I walk on this tightrope.