Even without the ultrasound tech saying a word I knew something was wrong. There was no pulsating heartbeat like I saw with the last ultrasound. It was just complete stillness. My doctor and nurse seemed to be feeling the weight of sadness for me, they said they were sorry to see me going through this. I cried a little bit in the bathroom after the ultrasound, but then focused on what needed to be done afterward. I held it together while I was still in the office so I could think clearly enough to ask the questions I needed to.
The ultrasound tech said the baby stopped growing around the 9th week based on their measurements. On the bright side, this is the longest pregnancy I’ve ever had. So maybe it being nine weeks could be attributed to some of the changes I’ve been making with how I eat and the supplements I’ve been taking. Unfortunately I didn’t find out I was positive for a MTHFR gene mutation until a couple weeks ago. Maybe had I known I could have started the Baby Aspirin sooner and maybe it would have protected this baby.
My doctor highly recommends I do the Anora genetic testing on the baby to see whether it had a chromosomal issue. If it had a chromosomal issue, there’s nothing that could have prevented it. But, if it is chromosomally normal this may help determine whether I need to be on the medication Lovenox. In other words, if it’s normal maybe medication is what I need to prevent this from happening again. My geneticist said that with my particular type of gene mutation I do not need to be on Lovenox, but I’d like to get my Seattle doctor’s opinion. My local OBGYN says he communicates with the doctors at Seattle Reproductive Medicine (just like my prior Reproductive Endocrinologist). He said he will ask the question regarding whether Lovenox might be needed for my next pregnancy. My local doc seems to be on the fence about the Lovenox. I’ve also heard that some women with my issue also take progesterone, even if their levels show normal. I think I will also ask my Seattle doc this question too. I need to do my own research as well.
I have to have surgery Wednesday, due to this being a “missed miscarriage.” My doctor advised me to cancel my trip to Denali I had planned for the weekend. I’ve been dealing with some cramping, no bleeding yet, and still very nauseous. The most worrisome symptom have is that I feel like I’m going to pass out several times a day. The other day I was in the shower and all of the sudden my upper body felt really heavy and weak. My vision started to go black from the outside moving inward to where I could hardly see. I got out of the shower and lied down right away. I ate breakfast before my shower with two cups of water and some juice, so I had enough in my stomach. In hindsight, each of my miscarriages I felt this same way, like I was going to pass out or like I was incredibly dizzy. I asked my doctor about this and he said it could be due to the dropping levels of progesterone from the miscarriage. He suggested I eat small and frequent meals throughout the day and drink plenty of water to prevent this.
As far as how I’m handling it emotionally, it hasn’t been easy. But I decided to take a week off work for several reasons; 1) I don’t want to start miscarrying while I’m at work, 2) I need several days to recover from the surgery, 3) I need to take this time process the loss before I jump back into work. Based on my past experience with missed miscarriages and surgeries, taking a week off seems to be the perfect amount of time for me to move on physically and emotionally. With my very first loss I needed two weeks, mostly to deal with it emotionally. I suppose I’m bouncing back faster than I used to.
Honestly, at first I was inundated with all the “should have, could have, would have” thoughts. It was overwhelming to think about all the variables I could have adjusted, and maybe this wouldn’t have happened. If you are going through a difficult situation like myself, I think it’s incredibly important to not place blame. It took me so long to come to this realization. Don’t place blame on your doctor, don’t place blame on God, and don’t place blame on yourself. The sheer amount of negative energy that comes from those thoughts can make you become blind to possible answers that can lead you in the right direction. Blame closes off opportunities, whereas acceptance can bring clarity. By acceptance, I mean accepting what you are dealing with right now in this moment and moving forward.
The other day I visualized myself standing at a fork in the road. I could take the dark, bleak path or I can choose the more vibrant path. The dark path is depression, confusion, negativity, and feeling stuck. Whereas the brighter path is gratitude, strength, inspiration, and growth. Admittedly, I was already in motion toward the darker path. But instead, I made the turn and began walking the brighter path. You can also choose the direction of your journey, no matter how far down the dark path you find yourself, you can always turn it around. Yes the outcome with each pregnancy may be out of my control, but what is in my control is my perception. Some people have told me I should maybe give up trying to have a child. But there is something inside me that says, “No way! Not yet.” It’s like a fire that is still going strong inside me, despite everything that has happened. As long as that fire is still burning, I’m going to continue this journey.
Thank you for reading.