Category Archives: In Vetro Fertiliztion

Day 17 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Shake Shack & Study Time

May 14, 2019 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , Leave a comment
Day 17 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Shake Shack & Study Time

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

Since we’ve been here for over two weeks, every time we pass by the new Shake Shack the line is about 40 people deep. Neither of us wanted to stand in the cold for an hour plus for a burger and fries. I can’t help but think that it’s not it’s all hyped up to be. But today was the day…we finally made our debut to the much sought after Shake Shack, only because there were just a few people in line. It was pretty tasty, but I will say I’m glad I didn’t stand in a long line like a crazy person. That was honestly the highlight of our day.

 

After eating we just had a lazy day at the hotel. As per usual, I griped about how bloated I felt. It’s official, I’m a roly poly bloated fatty. This cycle of IVF has lead me to gain ten pounds. Sweet baby Jesus do I feel it too! That’s a lot to gain in a short amount of time. This “normal” IVF weight gain feels anything but. I feel gross and full of fatigue. Mom wanted to rest today and I needed to do some school work. So most of the day I spent studying at the hotel, which was really the only productive thing I did today. But then again I know my body is hard at work growing these eggs.

 

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Day 16 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Cancel IVF Round?

May 14, 2019 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , Leave a comment
Day 16 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Cancel IVF Round?

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

My doctor said I might need at least one more day on meds. I actually want one or two more days anyway so I use up my remaining meds and so I can grow these smaller eggs a bit more. The problem is I have one really big egg that my body might release  if it gets too much bigger. I’m waiting for a call back this afternoon about whether I will trigger tonight or not.

 

Later that day…

 

I got the phone call in a Whole Foods of all places. I kept zig-zagging away from the hangry customers in the self-serve hot food area, they all but pushed me out of the way to get to their food. I wanted yell at all the as***les around me. Those entitled boojie people kept getting too damn close while I had one finger in my ear and my other ear is trying to hear my doctor over the loud store intercom that incessantly announces Thanksgiving deals. What I managed to make out was this, “You have four eggs on your right side, two on the left, and only three are mature.” I thought to myself, not too bad, considering my last round I had less to work with.

 

“We have a couple of options. We can cancel the IVF cycle. Or we can wait a few more days.” Cancel it?! No way! I’ve put so much money into this. My one egg is 19mm so it’s pretty big. But I have a handful of other ones that look promising. They are concerned I’m going to lose that egg or even more if I keep going. But they said the chance of that happening is less than 5%. I told her I wanted to continue. So I will be back in two days for another ultrasound.

 

This round has been particularly nerve racking and has already had many ups and downs. Despite the near heart attack in the Whole Foods today I managed to get my sh** together and make a decision to move forward and continue my medicine. It’s kind of a cruel experiment when you think about it, spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVF that make our bodies go bazerk in every way and expect us to be calm and decisive with major decisions. You show me a woman who has kept her sh** together during her IVF cycle and I’ll show you a liar.

 

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Day 15 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): The Round That Doesn’t End

May 14, 2019 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , Leave a comment
Day 15 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): The Round That Doesn’t End

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

When will this long cycle end?! I can’t help but create my own version of the Lamb Chops song:

 

“This is the round that doesn’t end,

Yes it goes on and on my friends.

Some people started scanning her

Not knowing all the eggs.

And they’ll continue scanning her

Forever just because

This is the round that doesn’t end…”

 

I’m so bloated now I feel like my body is from a different person, a much more rotund person. I’m in denial that this body is even mine right now. I look very pregnant. I’m hoping I will pee out all this retained water as quickly as I did after my first round. I kid you not, I peed about 20 times in the middle of the night after my first surgery. I had amazingly snapped back to my normal weight after about one week post-surgery. Our bodies are weirdly amazing when you think about it.

 

Today we went to mall and watched Instant Family. I thought it was a really inspiring movie for anyone who has considered the possibility of becoming a foster parent. It covers a lot of questions and topics that I’ve been thinking about lately. I would like to foster and/or adopt, whether I have biological children or not. Today was National Adoption day so the movie couldn’t have been out at a more perfect time. Even if you don’t have an interest in creating a family via adoption or fostering, it has Marky Mark in the movie, need I say more?

 

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Day 12 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Perseverance

January 17, 2019 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion, Infertility, IVF Tags: , Leave a comment
Day 12 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): Perseverance

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

One of the biggest stressors for doing IVF is the high cost. Most of us who scrape together enough money to do it need to get it from different sources. I was lucky enough to win a grant to pay for a big chunk of of the cost. I was also very thankful that my Mom could help me with the upfront costs and medicine that I am slowly paying her back with. I also have some on my credit cards only due to last minute unexpected costs. Those unexpected costs were due to me needing more medication due to my eggs not responding very well. IVF Medicine is incredibly expensive, especially when your eggs don’t cooperate and barely grow.

 

I feel like I am in a constant battle. I get angry sometimes, as anyone would when they shell out this much money with no guarantee of a baby. But still we try. We continue to see if “just this next time” it will work. I knew someone whose adoptive mother had 15 miscarriages before she finally gave birth to her one and only child. She went through those miscarriages during the 1950s and 1960s, when the topic was very taboo and treatment was not advanced like it is today. Imagine having that many miscarriages with no explanation because they didn’t have the technology to determine the cause for all her losses. This woman told me she believed her adoptive mother was the most resilient person she ever knew and she said, “there is something to be said for someone’s perseverance despite all the obstacles.” That word, perseverance, really stuck out in my mind, and it’s something I’ve been striving for ever since.

 

But in order to persevere with infertility treatment it all comes down to the fact that your perseverance will cost you. Some may say, “Just continue to try naturally and it will happen” they do not understand that this too has a cost. For those of us that have recurrent miscarriages (like I do), there is definitely a cost to this. Sometimes surgery is needed afterward to clear the uterus. If the uterus isn’t cleared completely there is a chance that this will cause even worse infertility issues due to embryos not being able to properly implant due to remaining scar tissue. This remaining scar tissue can cause embryos that do implant over it to not get sufficient nutrients, which can lead to further miscarriages. Resolving this issue includes costs for things such as ultrasounds, sonohystogram, hysteroscopy, and repeated hysteroscopy if the first one did not clear everything. All of those ‘what if’ scenarios I just described actually happened to me, and it ended up costing me more than a round of IVF. So hopefully you can see why I chose to pursue IVF. It increases the odds of success and helps you to avoid costly surgeries after miscarriages. If you have recurrent miscarriages IVF might be the best treatment option for you. Ask your doctor about treatment options and expect further testing to be done in order to narrow down the best treatment for you. I needed more testing to learn that for sure two of my losses were due to chromosomal abnormalities. Because of this testing and the results we decided the best option for success was IVF.

 

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Taking a break from shopping to enjoy the view of Seattle.

 

Despite the reality of the costs, you still need to live a little. Today Mom and I went to the Pacific Place Mall. I’ve become a master at window shopping, instead of actual shopping. Most of the time I am content with window shopping. I ended up spending right around $60, which is the highest amount I’ve spent on clothes in a while. I’ve gotten into the habit of avoiding clothes shopping for a long time. Much of my clothes I wear at home and occasionally out and about have holes in them. But If you look past my well-used clothes due to a tight budget you will see someone who is doing anything and everything to persevere.

 

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View of Downtown Seattle from skywalk at Pacific Place Mall.

 

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Day 11 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): How to Get Travel Discounts for IVF Treatment

January 10, 2019 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
Day 11 (Round 2 of IVF Stims): How to Get Travel Discounts for IVF Treatment

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

The irony of IVF medication is that it makes you look totally pregnant. It has all the same appearances of pregnancy but instead you become a human water balloon. I bloated so much in such a short span of time that it was painful sometimes. I’m already a big girl so imagine the discomfort I felt when there is extra water added to my belly, thighs, and even my face. My glasses were even fitting tighter on my head. No one seems to talk about how your face gets bloated too. When I looked at my pictures from the other day I thought the photo was distorted. My cheeks were noticeably bigger. I appear to be taking on the physical traits of a whale. I think whales have a majestic, serene quality to them, as they glide through the ocean waters and call out to each other. Instead here I am angrily flopping around in bed as I cuss at how uncomfortably big my stomach has become.  I sometimes grab my stomach in dismay and say “Oh my God” under my breath.

 

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The Bloat is Real. Way more bloated this second round of IVF.

 

I knew I was going to be bloated, like everyone in the online IVF boards were saying, but good lord this is too much. It was pretty shocking to look in the mirror and see my gut looking fully pregnant. One thing I didn’t even think to do was to measure before and after IVF meds, the difference would probably be quite mortifying.

 

 

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Even my face is bloated. I felt my glasses frames getting tighter by my ears. What…the…hell?

 

 

The IVF process tends to mold us into more resilient people. Look at the lengths we go to to create a family. Although I did whine throughout the process at times, I am also learning a lot about myself too. Some of the ways I’ve grown through this process include learning to find humor in hard times, being open to new experiences, prioritizing what is really important to me, and time-managing the s**t out of my day. When you have to give yourself five shots during a specific window of time each day you start to get into a perfectly sequenced routine.

 

My best advice to those of you who have to give yourself multiple shots in a day is to be prepared, and do your shots in a certain order at the same time. I always did mine in the same order each time so I would try to avoid mistakes, minus my one major mistake with the Omnitrope. Hey, nobody is perfect, but if you can find a way that helps you streamline the whole process it will be so much easier on you. I also kept all my medicine in my one suitcase, although some might find it more helpful to have everything spread out on their counter. I was traveling at the time and I didn’t feel comfortable having all of my expensive medicine spread out in my hotel. I always zipped up all my medicine in my bag if it didn’t need refrigerated. Also if you are given a window of time to take your medicine try to make a habit of doing it in the earliest part of that window. It’s better to be earlier in the window than try to make a mad dash back to your place to frantically give yourself multiple shots. You are more likely to make mistakes if you do not give yourself enough time to prepare.

 

I wanted to share a couple other things I’ve learned along the way, one of which I learned just today. Because this cycle is lasting much longer than anticipated I needed to extend my stay at the hotel. The girl at the front desk of the hotel knew that I had received several deliveries from a pharmacy because I had very specific instructions to call me immediately when they arrived because I needed to refrigerate the medicine. So when I went to pay for another week at the hotel, she offered me some advice I hadn’t even thought of.

 

She said to me, “You are here for medical reasons, correct?”

“Yes” I said. I had mentioned before I was having a procedure but didn’t go into details.

“That’s too bad that we didn’t know that for your first week you had booked. But we can apply the medical discount for you for this new week.”

“Really?” I said surprised. “How much is the medical discount?”

“Twenty percent, if you book through us directly.”

 

If you have to travel to do IVF ask if it’s possible to get a medical discount on your hotel and airfare. Just because you think you are getting a good deal on your hotel and airfare by booking through a website like Kayak, Priceline, or Travelocity does not mean you are getting the best deal possible. Call your hotel and airline directly and ask them if they do medical discounts and what the percentage discount is as well as the policies. Do the math. If the percentage you’d save is more doing a medical discount then go for it, if not then book with the cheaper option online. I managed to get both the hotel and airfare medical discount. I wish I had known about it before with my first round of IVF, but I’m thankful I learned about it by the time I had my second round.

 

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Fertility Wars: Return of the Cyst

October 31, 2018 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
Fertility Wars: Return of the Cyst

November 1st is the last day for the Thanksgiving contest. Winner will be announced soon after.

 

So if you are a Star Wars fan you might appreciate the title of my blog today. As I stared at my ultrasound today it was obvious that my cyst had grown to epic proportions. It loomed large on the screen. A big black ball of “f**k my life.” Same crap, different day. I’d really like to learn more about the science behind these little bastards because being told there’s nothing I can do about it doesn’t sit well with me. This means I will need to change my flights around and my hotel, right during peak season for Thanksgiving. Fabulous.

 

As you may remember, I had a cyst I dealt with before. Although I’ve been told cysts are normal, I can’t help but wonder if in the future these little guys might morph into cancer. I really need to learn more about them. On a somewhat related note, I was watching a show on Netflix called “Haunted” where people give real life accounts of paranormal experiences. Kurtis and I have been watching lots of scary shows lately for Halloween. In the show this woman was convinced that she was abducted by aliens. During her several dozen abductions she believed the aliens were doing medical tests on her. She was convinced her cysts, fibroids, and endometriosis were caused by the aliens. Cue major eye roll and guffaw here. Lady, you may not realize it, but there are so many women out there with the same issues. Surely not all of us with reproductive issues are having our vajeens experimented on by little green men. But then again maybe that’s what they want us to believe. Bum bum buuuuum!

 

The other day we had an unexpected knock at our front door. It was the weekend and I was being lazy around the house. I went to the back bedroom to put on a bra (hey, it’s the weekend!) and Kurtis asked through the door who it was.

 

“Planned Parenthood” I thought I heard a woman’s voice say.

“We don’t have any kids” Kurtis said.

 

By that time I came out from the bedroom he was laughing a little.

 

“Who was it?” I asked.

“Planned Parenthood” he laughed.
“Really? What did they want?”

“I don’t know, but I told them we didn’t have any kids.”

 

We both saw the comedic irony of the situation and started laughing to the point where we were having full on belly laughs with tears. It’s so damn funny that these people are knocking on our door when we’ve been doing everything short of kidnapping to have a baby. God has a messed up sense of humor sometimes. I was laughing hard also because Kurtis’ response didn’t entirely make sense. I asked him what the woman said to him and he said, “nothing, she just walked away.” I’m sure they’ve dealt with way more awkward situations than that. She was probably walking away thinking, “Why the hell are those people laughing so hard in there? They sound like lunatics. Probably drugs. I should walk faster.” Drugs indeed, fertility drugs that is.

 

I had another big laughing fit a few weeks ago over cheesecake. Yes, cheesecake. Let me preface this story with the fact that my body seems to be incredibly sensitive to my progesterone-only pills and my mood swings are all over the map. Everything from wanting to cry for no apparent reason, to laughing just a little too long over silly things that aren’t really that funny.

 

I decided to try out this local pie shop for the first time. I picked up a miniature cheesecake and good Lord, it was the most divine and magical cheesecake of my life. I was in love! The following week I decided to get it again on my Friday as a reward for my busy week. I went there but they were closed. Then I went the next day, closed again. And again a third day, still closed. You’d think by this point I would have checked their hours. Come to find out their hours are pretty limited. The fourth day I finally was able to walk through the doors and I gushed about how sublime their cheesecake was and how I was ready to buy more. “Oh, I’m sorry we ran out yesterday.” I settled for a pumpkin pie instead and told myself that I would soon be back for the cheesecake again.

 

I was re-telling this story to my husband and for some reason I found the set up to the story and the ultimate let down to be incredibly hilarious. I’m laughing each time I say, “So I went back again…” I was laughing so hard I had to lean on the counter to keep myself upright. Kurtis’ expression was that of “what the hell is so funny?” Maybe what struck me as hilarious is that this damn cheesecake is symbolic of what I can’t get from life. First world problems, right? But do you see my logic? The cheesecake could represent anything that I want really badly but cannot have (i.e., a biological baby). Now you get it? Still doesn’t make sense? That’s okay, it makes sense to me. Perhaps there is even greater symbolism that can be gleaned from the fact that when I returned later I ordered a pumpkin cheesecake, because again, they had no regular cheesecake. Maybe the pumpkin cheesecake represents our future child using an egg donor, hence the pumpkin in the mix. My quirky little cheesecake story might only be funny to me, but I think the real lesson learned here is that I really want that f**king cheesecake. So the quest for cheesecake continues.

 

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The Big Picture

October 21, 2018 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
The Big Picture

Many parents will tell you they sacrificed so much for their children. Many women going through IVF will tell you they have already sacrificed greatly for the hope of having children. Sometimes I feel those of us who struggle with infertility issues are already mothers-in-the-making. We know what it takes to give up our time with our partners to put in extra hours at work, working weekends when we could be spending time with them. The time away from visiting with our parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Time away from social gatherings where we connect with friends. Often we develop a one-track mind and it becomes all about making the possibility of a child a reality. What will it take? What will we give up? It all comes down to time and money.

 

But one thing I’ve learned through this process is that I don’t view this the same way most people do who do not struggle with infertility. Yes, the sacrifices are great, but what I’ve already gained is so much greater. Loss and struggle are some of the best teachers in life. I’ve developed a fierce commitment to my goal and I’ve grown in many ways. When I was feeling lost and confused I learned the value of intense research for solutions. When I was feeling disconnected from everyone and couldn’t bear to talk about my pregnancy losses, I learned to opened up and realized many of my friends, family, and a massive online community went through the exact same things I had. Being able to not only relate to others but put all of our research together, weigh the options, and together help each other out with the end goal in mind of “how can I best help this woman fulfill her dream of having a baby?” Sometimes it’s as simple as suggesting a certain test be looked into their doctor hasn’t tried yet, or a financial option they hadn’t even considered. Rallying together as a group and helping each other achieve our dream of motherhood has brought me such a feeling of connectedness that I never in my life experienced.

 

I’ve learned to speak candidly with my husband about how I feel, and to truly listen to what he is feeling too. Learning to compromise together, whereas when left to my own devices I would have steamrolled ahead with my own big plans. Being able to stop and consider his needs when planning for our future has been incredibly important. I told him how I made the decision to take on some temporary debt in order to have a shot at having a child. That temporary debt could have gone towards paying off the condo and moving into a bigger house. We’ve always talked about paying off the condo early and getting a nicer house, so it was a big deal to postpone this for a bit. I knew this would be a huge sacrifice but I also knew that if we wanted the opportunity to have our own child I needed to do IVF now. My timeline for fertility is significantly less than the average woman, but I have many years to plan for moving into a house. Shifting timelines for everything was a sacrifice, but that’s all it comes down to, simply shifting timelines. We compromised and agreed that we would focus on knocking out my medical debt these next few months before our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Being able to get past our emotions, talk about it, and come up with the best solution together has helped us both become more mature as a couple.

 

I’ve also learned to endure incredibly devastating losses. My first pregnancy loss was the worst for me emotionally. I was in bed for two weeks and was incredibly depressed. But after a total of four losses I’ve learned to be more resilient. I now have many people I can turn to for support and have developed a concrete treatment plan. I now have answers as to why some of the losses happened and a hopeful solution too. Now it’s just a matter of doing the treatment plan of IVF with PGS, the one step I have left for our first round is traveling back down for our FET.

 

I’ve come a long way over these past 2.5 years of infertility. I’ve learned one of the best ways of dealing with my situation is to focus both on what I need to do today as part of my treatment plan, while also looking at the big picture. The big picture for me includes doing a visualization. In that visualization I pull away from the current moment and look at my life and these struggles far  into the future. Being able to see myself in the future, and ask myself did I do everything I can and are there no regrets? There is a sense of comfort I get from looking at the big picture. Where does that comfort come from? I know that I am doing everything I possibly can in order to make my dreams come true. And who wouldn’t be proud of that?

 

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1 Day After Egg Retrieval: Major Money Saving Epiphany

September 24, 2018 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
1 Day After Egg Retrieval: Major Money Saving Epiphany

(Entry written prior to posted date).

Who knew one of the annoying side effects post-retrieval would contribute to an epiphany that would change the course of events for me. I believe I’ve hit my ultimate record for the number of times I had to pee in a single night, it was in the range of twenty times. It was as if all the retained water weight during my stimulation shots was now leaving my body. But good God, that was just friggin’ excessive! I got zero sleep last night.

 

But the good news is that while I was awake all night I was doing my usual perusing of infertility forums online. I stumbled on a weirdly worded response to a question someone posed about how to save money on IVF treatment. The response was something to the effect of “do two IVFs in a row. That’s how I did it. Saved a lot.” What the hell did that mean? Two IVFs?

 

Then it hit me. Although this response was thoroughly confusing to me at first, it started to register with me. I asked myself, “What if they meant they did two egg retrievals before they did their first FET (frozen embryo transfer)?” Could that be what they meant? Then I remembered the phone conversation I had with my two-cycle discount program, she said, “The program ends when you have a ‘take-home’ baby.” So that meant if I gave birth with this first cycle the program ended.

 

It was the middle of the night and I posted a question in some of the Facebook IVF groups I’m on, asking whether anyone was doing my specific discount program and if they did two egg retrievals in a row before their first transfer. Some of the first women who responded to me said that I could not do it. They even went so far as to tell me, “It’s in your contract if you actually read it. It’s bolded and everything.” But I was looking right at my copy of my contract and nowhere in it did it say anything like this. The contract echoed the same thing the woman with the discount program told me over the phone, “program ends with ‘take-home’ baby.” But several hours later I checked if anyone else had responded. Now there were more answers, and about half of them were saying that it is actually possible to do two egg retrievals back to back with that program.

 

First thing that morning I called both my discount program and my clinic to pose this question. The answer would change the trajectory of everything. “Yes, it’s possible.” From what I gather, it depends on the clinic or possibly your diagnosis. Some clinics seem not to allow women back-to-back egg retrievals for the discounted price while others do. So what are the benefits of me deciding to do two egg retrievals back to back as opposed to jumping right into a FET?

 

  • Doing the second cycle would definitely be included in the cost if I did back-to-back retrievals. If I did the FET right after the first retrieval and had a live birth my contract would end, which would make me lose out on an entire IVF cycle I had pre-paid for. In other words, I will be saving thousands of dollars if I do back-to-back cycles with my discount program.
  • My AMH/Ovarian reserve is very low and time is of the essence. The sooner I can do several egg retrievals the better.
  • Increasing the odds of giving potential children from this first cycle their siblings from a second cycle.
  • Take advantage of my flexible work schedule (on-call work) I have now and go ahead and do these egg retrievals. Most other jobs would not be as flexible.
  • I’ve met my out-of-pocket maximum for the year so any ultrasounds ($600 each), blood draws, and consultations with my local doctor would be covered entirely.
  • The only thing I’d have to pay for is the IVF medicine, plane tickets, and hotel to travel out of state for my IVF cycle again.

 

All I can say is I am over the moon I had this timely epiphany. For some reason this idea didn’t occur to me. Maybe it was the fact I was up all night and thinking non-stop about my next steps. I had my plans practically set to return the following month to do the FET. I could have missed out on a second IVF cycle had I not considered this more. But this epiphany changed my timeline for everything. Now I am starting to make plans for when I will come back for the second retrieval for this year.

 

Today was a beautiful day out. Mom and I went to the Space Needle and the Chihuly Garden and Glass exhibit. What an amazing day! It was so nice to get out. I was surprised I was doing so well the day after surgery. We did lots of walking around and spent a good part of the day just hanging out up in the Space Needle. I loved seeing the rotating glass-bottom floor. Pretty cool stuff.

 

 

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So the day overall was great. But I had a crying meltdown moment later on at the end of the night. Mom got a message from a relative asking if the doctors were optimistic about me having a baby. Mom mentioned their question to me. This seemingly benign question threw me into a fit of tears. The combination of my out-of-whack hormones post-surgery coupled with the reality that my odds of success are very low just made a blubbering mess. Poor mom didn’t know what the hell was wrong and I couldn’t articulate it quick enough because in the moment I didn’t know why I was crying. It was a pure emotional response.

 

Then Mom started crying. So there we were both crying, frustrated, and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I hear mom crying in the bathroom, blowing her nose. She seemed upset that she couldn’t console me.

 

Then she comes out and says half angry and half crying, “That stupid maid!”

“What?” I said, still sniffling but starting to calm down.

“The toilet paper! She didn’t give us any! I can’t believe this!”

Then I start to laugh hysterically. The way she said it was so comical to me.

 

This was either the second or third day in a row that the maid didn’t give us toilet paper. The one day we did manage to get more toilet paper we asked the front desk guy and apparently the wimp of a man couldn’t manage to get more than one roll from her. “She wouldn’t give me two rolls” he sheepishly said to me. So this toilet paper Nazi of a maid now has my mom crying even more. Mom heard me laughing and then started laughing too. We managed to scrape together some leftover restaurant tissues from our takeout meals and some tissues she had in her purse to get us through the night. No way in hell we were stepping outside our hotel room door because that part of town turns into a scene from Mad Max with all the anarchy that happens when the sun sets.

 

After we stopped crying and laughing I explained to her how I thought I started crying because of the hormones and the fact that my situation has never been considered optimistic. I think once I explained it to her it made more sense my reaction. I think there is a big difference between being optimistic versus staying positive. I am staying positive, which is a choice. But I would not say I’m optimistic because the reality is my ovarian reserve is incredibly low and it would be a miracle if I had a single biological baby in my life.

 

So today I had a whole range of emotions. Thank you crazy hormones. But I am thankful to have learned two things: 1) I can save a lot of money by doing two back-to-back egg retrievals, 2) If you hide the toilet paper in your room the maid will think you are out and give you more. Solving life problems from big to little. I feel pretty accomplished today. I will end this post with a happy note of my results from this egg retrieval thus far:

5 eggs retrieved

4 fertilized

1 embryo survived and will go through PGS testing.

 

Yahooooo! So incredibly happy to have this bit of hope to move forward with. Praying that this little embryo does not have the same chromosomal issue that causes me to have recurrent miscarriages. Hoping and praying this little one will make it past the testing.

 

 

 

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Day 12 (Round 1 of IVF): Egg Retrieval Day

September 19, 2018 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , Leave a comment
Day 12 (Round 1 of IVF): Egg Retrieval Day

(Entry written prior to posted date).

Today was the big day, my first egg retrieval surgery. They retrieved five eggs, which is right about what they were expecting based on my recent ultrasounds I’ve had leading up to today. I felt like I waited so long to have my surgery due to the cyst on my ovary delaying everything for about three weeks.

 

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Originally they were expecting 10 eggs to be retrieved based on my age. But now I’m thinking they didn’t factor in my AMH level into this. So when they told me they got five eggs I was content with that. I was happy that I was finally on the path of what will hopefully lead me to a baby. I will be hearing back tomorrow about the number of eggs that were successfully fertilized.

 

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Mom with me for support right before surgery.

 

For now I am just resting in the hotel, watching reruns of Jersey Shore. I know, I know. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine, what can I say. Weirdly, I get a sense of comfort when I watch the screaming sessions and crying meltdowns. It somehow reminds me of home, not because we scream at each other and I cry, but because I loved watching this show back home. Kurtis is calm as a cucumber, we rarely ever have a disagreement. Not to mention the anesthesia is still swimming inside my brain, adding a nice pillowy feeling in my ears when the self-proclaimed Guidos on TV puff up and scream at each other. Ahh, what a lovely way to relax.

 

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Drugged up photo op. Just woke up.

 

My pain level is about a 2 out of 10 with the pain medicine, and when the medicine wears off it’s about a 3 out of 10. So the pain isn’t really as bad as I imagined. If I were to categorize the pain in different way it would be in between the pain of a hysteroscopy (not bad) and a D&C (moderately painful). After my many surgeries due to complications from my multiple miscarriages, I’ve learned that I tend to have a weak stomach for anesthesia so I always request anti-nausea medicine during the surgery. It seems to really help. It’s kind of sad that I’ve developed a sense of routineness around all these surgeries, but I suppose it’s better than getting stressed out.

 

I’m trying to stay hopeful through this process, despite the odds being stacked against me. Here are some of the things I’ve been telling myself to try to stay positive:

  • I’m glad they decided to double my dose of Follistim. Maybe I wouldn’t even have these 5 eggs had they not done that.
  • If it fails at least they will have a much better gauge on how to adjust my medication for next time.
  • I’m very happy I paid for two rounds up front to save money, especially considering my low AMH level. It was a good decision.
  • I have an amazing support network of many people rooting for us.
  • Doing IVF lowers my risk of a miscarriage and the complications that come with it. Each time I had a loss I needed surgeries to correct the scar tissue buildup.
  • I am so happy I received an IVF grant that helped me tremendously to be able to afford IVF.

Staying positive and remembering those thoughts in the hardest of times can help ease the pain of another letdown. I am far from a Pollyanna, especially in regards to my fertility issues. But I believe that you can always find the silver lining if you look hard enough.

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Day 11 (Round 1 of IVF): Surgery Tomorrow & Resiliency

September 18, 2018 By in In Vetro Fertiliztion Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
Day 11 (Round 1 of IVF): Surgery Tomorrow & Resiliency

(Entry written prior to posted date).

 

So I took my HGC trigger shot (Pregnyl) last night and this morning I took my pregnancy test. The HCG trigger shot essentially makes your body think it’s pregnant to help with the egg retrieval process. My body had a good reaction to the shot, so I am officially having my egg retrieval surgery tomorrow. I am really excited to finally be at this point, and trying to stay hopeful.

 

I’m not sure which of the four shots I’m on that are causing my extreme thirst. I am like a fish, I feel I cannot bear it unless I’m drinking water at least several times every half hour it seems. I’ve been drinking water not only to quench my insatiable thirst but to also help with the growth of my eggs. I read that staying hydrated can help with the development of eggs. I have one egg that is not quite of mature size, and they said that maybe by the time of the surgery it will grow big enough. A weird fact they told me is that eggs can even grow outside of the body before ICSI. I am always blown away by the amazing science behind fertility treatment.

 

Today we decided to stay in and rest. Mom has a really bad migraine. I have a ton of studying and a few assignments I have to do today anyway. While mom rested most of the day I was immersed in studying fairy tales for my English literature class. And if you haven’t heard, the original Little Red Riding Hood stories (pre-Brothers Grimm) are insanely demented. Who knew these original stories were not meant for children at all. Very interesting to see the many adaptations over time.  I also read the various adaptations of Bluebeard, also a horrifyingly messed up story. But as with any memorable story there has to be a good amount of conflict. I’m majoring in English, so I love cozying up to read different stories, especially the ones that are a mindf***. Easy breezy beach reads bore me.

 

I’ve found that going back to school has been a great decision for me during my fertility struggles. I can’t control the outcome of my fertility issues, but at least I have some sense of control in my life by going to school. Some people might think taking on school when doing IVF treatment is too much for them emotionally. For me, I find it to be a really good distraction from my overthinking anything and everything related to becoming a mother. At this point I can’t control when, if, or how I’ll become a mother, but the one thing I can control is where my thoughts go. If I can push my thoughts towards learning something new and focusing intensely on my school work I find it to be really satisfying. I feel like I am actually accomplishing something and working to towards a tangible goal.

 

I’m only taking one class at the moment. It’s the second semester of my World Literature class. I knew there was going to be a s*** ton of reading, just like in the first semester. So I decided to only take one class for two reasons; 1) The amount of reading would probably be on par with two classes, 2) I’m doing IVF treatment, you think I actually have any more money to do more than one class? It’s just the right amount to balance everything between work, school, and my other job…infertility treatment. If you’ve gone through IVF treatment then you know the large amount of time it takes for the many appointments.

 

I am thinking I might also look into pursuing other hobbies as well. I want to start swimming again. Or maybe I can learn to do something artistic or crafty. All work and no play makes Julie a dull girl. Now I’m imagining my psycho self frozen outside in the snow like Jack Nicholson in the end of The Shining. Yeah I don’t want to end up like that. I need some more fun in my life. With all this tension and overthinking around if I’ll become a mother I’m trying to seek out ways to escape. I’ve always had a tendency to be an epic couch potato, watching lots of movies as a means of distraction. But instead of zoning out, I’d like to do something that makes me feel alive, and not something that simply numbs my emotions. I’ll need to meditate more on this. I will say this, I have another website in the prewriting phase. I’m still gauging the scope of it. I’ll let you in on a little secret and give you a hint. It will be about doing the things in life that can be incredibly challenging. How’s that for a vague hint?

 

Tomorrow is the big day for my first egg retrieval. I can now feel cramps coming on at 4:30pm. I’m hoping these moderate cramps are an indication of my body doing the right thing. It’s not that painful, just a little more than my regular period cramps. I think the right ovary was the one they said had more eggs. I will of course be disappointed if none of this works, but what I will not be disappointed over is that I at least tried. I must push past the emotional pain of this whole process. I will not allow myself to waste time worrying. If you are like me and have low AMH/ovarian reserve you know exactly what I mean. Ladies, if you have the same diagnosis of me my best advice I can give you is to not waste time, buck up, do your research, and get your treatment plan into action.

 

My first pregnancy loss I spent two weeks in bed depressed. After I was able to pick myself up from that time in my life I told myself, “I’m never going to wallow in my pain like that again. It’s just too painful.” I had three pregnancy losses after that and I was able to cope better because I remembered that promise I made to myself. Any type of loss we experience in our life can debilitate us if we let it. Even if I am unable to have a baby at the end of all of this, I’m hoping I can at least say I’ve gained the ability to be more resilient.

 

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