Another Surgery & Thoughts on God

Another Surgery & Thoughts on God

I recently did a post-surgery ultrasound to check to see if my body went back to normal after my surgery in September (due to missed miscarriage). I’ve had so many ultrasounds over the years that I’ve learned to spot abnormalities on the ultrasound even before the ultrasound tech shows any indication of something being off. Unfortunately, this time I was looking at a black mass on the ultrasound screen that I knew should not have been there. 

The ultrasound tech could not confirm exactly what the black mass was and said she would show the images to my doctor to review and he would get back to me within the next few days (due to him being out of the office). On the morning of October 15th I did my own Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Loss Day at home. That was the first time I participated and although it was therapeutic it was also emotionally draining. So imagine how I felt when later that afternoon I got the phone call that there was in fact something off about my ultrasound. My doctor referred to that black mass and said, “It could either be retained products of conception or it could be an indicator of Persistent Gestational Trophoblastic Disease from a partial molar pregnancy. But we should definitely do a second surgery.” In the past I needed two surgeries from one miscarriage to clear my uterus, which was not a big deal other than the inconvenience of a second surgery. But the main difference between that time and this time is that I wasn’t dealing with a partial molar pregnancy before. 

 

This ultrasound photo is not a picture of my ultrasound, but it appears very similar to what mine looked like with a black mass and cloudy or “snowstorm” appearance surrounding it, typically found with molar pregnancies.

 

 

I asked my doctor, “So what’s the next step if this second surgery doesn’t work and it looks like something is still there or develops more?” My doctor told me that I would need to start the medication Methotrexate. His nurse had mentioned that same medication a few days prior when I asked her a similar question. I had assumed that Methotrexate was similar to Misoprostol, which is a common medication I’ve had just prior to each of my surgeries for miscarriages. Misoprostol is a medication softens the uterine lining to make the surgery process easier. I decided to Google what this new medication Methotrexate was, since I was unfamiliar with it. Neither my doctor nor my nurse fully explained what it was. As I was reading the description, all the words fell away except one…chemotherapy. Methotrexate is in fact a type of medication to treat cancer. 

My doctor wanted me to have my surgery the following day, but I chose to wait a couple days so I wouldn’t have to take time off work. On Monday (October 21st) I went to my usual surgery center. Out of curiosity I asked my doctor how many times I’ve had surgery there, because I had actually lost count. He looked at my paperwork and told me that this was my fifth surgery there. That did not include the two surgeries I had out-of-state in Seattle for my first and second round of IVF. So in total I’ve had seven surgeries related to infertility and miscarriages from 2016 – 2019. 

As of today, October 24th, I’m still waiting for the pathology report to learn what exactly that black mass was. Ultimately this next phone call from my doctor will determine whether I will need chemotherapy or not. I’ve been trying not to worry about it, although the first few days after the 15th were the hardest. I was tossing and turning at night and not getting enough sleep. I told my husband and my Mom. Both of them tried to reassure me by saying “Try not to worry.” But the primary emotion I was feeling was not worry, it was anger.

I was angry at God. I was so angry and frustrated for all of these years of struggling and now He decided to throw in a potential cancer diagnosis. Then my thoughts began to expand out to everyone I’ve known who has battled cancer and how much they suffered. I was thinking, “How could a God allow so much suffering?” God took my Dad away from cancer in 2016 and my mom has survived cancer twice. Then I kept seeing so many commercials on TV for St. Judes Children’s Research Hospital with all those little kids and babies who were completely innocent suffering from cancer. I just could not wrap my mind around any of this.

But I had a conversation with my Mom the other day on the phone that helped me to see things differently. Mind you, I’m not particularly religious. I was “saved” years ago, but after dealing with so much loss over the years my relationship with God was now hanging by a thread. After talking with Mom it helped solidify a thought I had and bring it more to the forefront of my mind. I believe there is a Creator, something greater than us that helped get this world spinning. But as far as a God that intervenes in our daily struggles, well I’ve moved on from that belief. 

Believe it or not, I feel more at peace with this concept that God does not intervene. I still believe there is a usefulness to prayer. It can be a way to socially connect on a deeper level and to set positive intentions together. Prayer can also bring us the quiet contemplation we need to help us to potentially find solutions to our problems if we choose to use prayer in that way. What I no longer believe is that praying hard and often leads to the outcome we want. I prayed so hard for each of my babies and set all my intention on positive outcomes. It was suggested to me by various people that perhaps I wasn’t “praying hard enough” or that I needed to “pray more.” I think my issue at the time was my idea of God was changing yet the people around me continued to talk about God the way I used to view Him. These past several years I felt like giving up on my faith. It took me so long to develop a new view of God that He could simply be a Creator and not necessarily an intervener. For me at least this brings me a sense of comfort and peace.

I should be getting my pathology results here soon. I will let you all know what they are once I get them. For now I will be taking it easy resting after this recent surgery. I went back to work the following day after my surgery, which I think was good for me because it serves as a good distraction. I’m trying to take it easy this first week as far as movement goes, by taking a break from exercising. I feel pretty good but have some twinges of pain here and there. I’m going to try to stay optimistic while I wait for my results.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

Today’s Question: 

Have your spiritual beliefs changed over time through your infertility struggles? If so, how have they changed?

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Learn ways to improve your egg quality. Purchase Rebecca Fett’s book “It Starts with the Egg: How the Science of Egg Quality Can Help You Get Pregnant Naturally, Prevent Miscarriage, and Improve Your Odds in IVF.” It’s currently the #1 Best Seller on Amazon.com’s Reproductive Medicine & Technology list. 

 

 

Featured Photo Image Source for Ultrasound Picture: MedPix National Library of Medicine
URL:
https://medpix.nlm.nih.gov/case?id=7fd9d54c-da23-4248-bb30-bd4993d6efb9

Movie Review: “Don’t Talk About the Baby”

Movie Review: “Don’t Talk About the Baby”

HopingForBaby.com Rating: 4 out of 5

Don’t Talk About the Baby” is a great documentary to watch if you’ve experienced Pregnancy and Infant Loss and you feel you are prepared to hear other people’s difficult stories. I believe sharing stories is so important for healing, especially sharing to others who understand. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss over the years and I believe I’ve developed more resiliency over time. This movie is great if you also feel you are at a point where you are mostly past the initial stages of grief. That is the only reason I gave it a 4 out of 5 rating because it may be too triggering for some viewers. 

I strongly believe in people sharing their story, but I personally choose to not tell everyone graphic details of the trauma of pregnancy loss. I believe this part of my story was best processed with a therapist or through journaling. I also believe expressing this through works of art can be therapeutic for others. Everyone processes their grief in their own way, so if you believe in fully expressing every aspect of your loss more power to you. If you find yourself easily triggered by traumatic details, I’d recommend taking that into consideration when you decide to watch this documentary. 

Don't talk about the baby

Image Source: princetonlibrary.org

 

On the flip side of that word of caution, I think this movie did an absolutely fantastic job of showing so many different stories of courage and hope. I felt a huge sense of connectedness to the women that were interviewed. I’ve watched a handful of other documentaries about infertility and IVF, but this one really touched my heart. There were several instances I just wanted to reach through the TV screen and hug the woman being interviewed. There was such a rawness with the emotions they shared, that takes an immense amount of courage. I find it hard sometimes to write some of my blog posts about my recurrent miscarriages, but I always feel better after I do.  My hope is maybe someone reading my posts might feel a little better knowing they are not alone during their struggles. I feel this film was created with this same spirit. 

I love how the documentary interviewed a variety of women who are at different points in their journey. Some are still deep in the emotions of their recent loss, others are a little further along, and some who have moved on from their loss and share their stories of how they healed. Another important aspect of this movie is that they take the time to interview multiple doctors who specialize in pregnancy and infant loss. The statistics they share may initially seem overwhelming to hear. But I believe the filmmaker’s intention was to emphasize that so many women experience this kind of loss and to show viewers they are definitely not alone. 

Finally, the subject that I found most important in this film is the need to fight the stigma of pregnancy and infant loss. There is a huge stigma in our culture around this type of loss. As our culture becomes more comfortable talking about the hard subject of pregnancy and infant loss the stigma will begin to fade away. One of the women in the film remembers how cancer actually had a stigma and some people would avoid talking about it. But over time more people openly talked about cancer which created more awareness. More awareness resulted in more funding for research. Now there is an immense amount of energy put into raising funds for cancer research and education today. All of that effort has lead to a greater understanding for the public to know when to get screened for cancer, helping to catch it early on and save more lives with treatment at just the right time. The film “Don’t Talk About the Baby” discusses our culture can do the same exact process of openly talking about pregnancy and infant loss just as we now openly talk about cancer today. 

That cultural shift can be duplicated with conversations about pregnancy and infant loss and maybe one day there won’t be as much of a stigma. The more people actually talk about it the more likely funding efforts will increase. Increased funding can allow for more research efforts to potentially find the causes to “unexplained infertility” which is said to account for up to 30% of pregnancy losses (Sadeghi, 2015). More research also needs to be put towards learning more about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Even the diagnosable conditions still have many questions surrounding what the root cause might be. It is incredibly important to increase research and educating the public to help prevent pregnancy and infant loss, and this includes  reducing the stigma.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

 

Today’s Question:

What have you done to help reduce the stigma of pregnancy and infant loss? Have you educated a family member or friend on this subject by sharing your story? 

Comment with your response to receive a bonus entry to the current contest.

 

Click here to watch “Don’t Talk About the Baby” on Amazon

 

Check out my previous posts by going to my archives page.

 

This post may contain affiliate links. You can read the disclosure here
Sources:
Featured Image: https://www.donttalkaboutthebaby.com/
Full Image of “Don’t Talk About the Baby” Poster: https://princetonlibrary.org/event/film-and-panel-discussion-dont-talk-about-the-baby/
Sadeghi, Mohammad Reza. “Unexplained infertility, the controversial matter in management of infertile couples.” Journal of reproduction & infertility vol. 16,1 (2015): 1-2.

Week 10 of Pregnancy: 6th Miscarriage

Week 10 of Pregnancy: 6th Miscarriage

Even without the ultrasound tech saying a word I knew something was wrong. There was no pulsating heartbeat like I saw with the last ultrasound. It was just complete stillness. My doctor and nurse seemed to be feeling the weight of sadness for me, they said they were sorry to see me going through this. I cried a little bit in the bathroom after the ultrasound, but then focused on what needed to be done afterward. I held it together while I was still in the office so I could think clearly enough to ask the questions I needed to. 

 

The ultrasound tech said the baby stopped growing around the 9th week based on their measurements. On the bright side, this is the longest pregnancy I’ve ever had. So maybe it being nine weeks could be attributed to some of the changes I’ve been making with how I eat and the supplements I’ve been taking. Unfortunately I didn’t find out I was positive for a MTHFR gene mutation until a couple weeks ago. Maybe had I known I could have started the Baby Aspirin sooner and maybe it would have protected this baby. 

 

My doctor highly recommends I do the Anora genetic testing on the baby to see whether it had a chromosomal issue. If it had a chromosomal issue, there’s nothing that could have prevented it. But, if it is chromosomally normal this may help determine whether I need to be on the medication Lovenox. In other words, if it’s normal maybe medication is what I need to prevent this from happening again. My geneticist said that with my particular type of gene mutation I do not need to be on Lovenox, but I’d like to get my Seattle doctor’s opinion. My local OBGYN says he communicates with the doctors at Seattle Reproductive Medicine (just like my prior Reproductive Endocrinologist). He said he will ask the question regarding whether Lovenox might be needed for my next pregnancy. My local doc seems to be on the fence about the Lovenox. I’ve also heard that some women with my issue also take progesterone, even if their levels show normal. I think I will also ask my Seattle doc this question too. I need to do my own research as well.

 

I have to have surgery Wednesday, due to this being a “missed miscarriage.” My doctor advised me to cancel my trip to Denali I had planned for the weekend. I’ve been dealing with some cramping, no bleeding yet, and still very nauseous. The most worrisome symptom have is that I feel like I’m going to pass out several times a day. The other day I was in the shower and all of the sudden my upper body felt really heavy and weak. My vision started to go black from the outside moving inward to where I could hardly see. I got out of the shower and lied down right away. I ate breakfast before my shower with two cups of water and some juice, so I had enough in my stomach. In hindsight, each of my miscarriages I felt this same way, like I was going to pass out or like I was incredibly dizzy. I asked my doctor about this and he said it could be due to the dropping levels of progesterone from the miscarriage. He suggested I eat small and frequent meals throughout the day and drink plenty of water to prevent this.

 

As far as how I’m handling it emotionally, it hasn’t been easy. But I decided to take a week off work for several reasons; 1) I don’t want to start miscarrying while I’m at work, 2) I need several days to recover from the surgery, 3) I need to take this time process the loss before I jump back into work. Based on my past experience with missed miscarriages and surgeries, taking a week off seems to be the perfect amount of time for me to move on physically and emotionally. With my very first loss I needed two weeks, mostly to deal with it emotionally. I suppose I’m bouncing back faster than I used to.

 

Honestly, at first I was inundated with all the “should have, could have, would have” thoughts. It was overwhelming to think about all the variables I could have adjusted, and maybe this wouldn’t have happened. If you are going through a difficult situation like myself, I think it’s incredibly important to not place blame. It took me so long to come to this realization. Don’t place blame on your doctor, don’t place blame on God, and don’t place blame on yourself. The sheer amount of negative energy that comes from those thoughts can make you become blind to possible answers that can lead you in the right direction. Blame closes off opportunities, whereas acceptance can bring clarity. By acceptance, I mean accepting what you are dealing with right now in this moment and moving forward.  

 

The other day I visualized myself standing at a fork in the road. I could take the dark, bleak path or I can choose the more vibrant path. The dark path is depression, confusion, negativity, and feeling stuck. Whereas the brighter path is gratitude, strength, inspiration, and growth. Admittedly, I was already in motion toward the darker path. But instead, I made the turn and began walking the brighter path. You can also choose the direction of your journey, no matter how far down the dark path you find yourself, you can always turn it around. Yes the outcome with each pregnancy may be out of my control, but what is in my control is my perception. Some people have told me I should maybe give up trying to have a child. But there is something inside me that says, “No way! Not yet.” It’s like a fire that is still going strong inside me, despite everything that has happened. As long as that fire is still burning, I’m going to continue this journey. 

 

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